BREAKING: JNU’s Plan to Wage War Against India Delayed, Much Like its Students’ Degrees

Humour

BREAKING: JNU’s Plan to Wage War Against India Delayed, Much Like its Students’ Degrees

Illustration: Arati Gujar

T

wo days after Union Defence Minister Nirmala Sitharaman held a press conference to warn Indians that JNU students were planning to wage war against the country during their chai break at 5 pm on Tuesday, we have unravelled the web surrounding the plan to storm Raisina Hill, and take control of Rashtrapati Bhavan – provided the students’ metro pass is working on the day.

In her explosive press conference, Sitharaman had revealed that much like the price of petrol and Ram Gopal Varma’s motives, JNU students are going from bad to worse. “Forget my generation. The current lot is worse than what we saw in 1984,” Ms Sitharaman said, reacting to news that a rebel Leftist faction had taken control over large swathes of JNU’s sprawling campus.

Sources say JNU became the home of anti-India elements when a minister first realised the word Nehru was attached to the University. So what must we do to protect ourselves from the collective jholas of Kanhaiya Kumar and Shehla Rashid, until our 36 Rafale jets finally arrive? Here is an exclusive analysis.

The first thing we need to know is that JNU has collected a ton of ammunition over the years to take on government forces. The list includes used condoms, liquor bottles, abortion injections, and very sharp files. A source informed us that the students finance their operations by selling monogrammed Urban Naxal kurtas on the street.

Sources affiliated with the defence ministry maintain that along with ISIS, road accidents, and selfie-related tragedies, JNU students are the number one defence threat in this country.

Considering how long it takes a student to finish his doctorate at the institute it shouldn’t come as a surprise that JNU’s plan to take over the country is expected to only be carried out by 2049. “The plan is to shout like Arnab to get two minutes of DD attention and insert a 50-word plug in page 9 of every newspaper for the next 30 years or so,” a student said, dropping a hakka noodle on his pants. “But trust me, as soon as we can find the time to have a meeting, India will be in grave danger.”

Sources affiliated with the defence ministry maintain that along with ISIS, road accidents, and selfie-related tragedies, JNU students are the number one defence threat in this country. “These students are clearly from Pakistan,” said a certain Harvard-returned professor. “Inka bas chale, they will book UberPOOL to cross the border and run after every Pakistani on the street to hug them,” he added. “We must terminate such elements.”

The professor as well as a consortium of journalists from Republic TV have come together to demand that they get complete ownership of the university in the next few years. Sources say the plan is to dump these anti-nationals across the border along with Rohingyas and a few packets of Good Day for their acche din.

Comments