Mega Exclusive! Jio Institute’s First Merit List Features Satyapal Singh & Biplab Deb


Mega Exclusive! Jio Institute’s First Merit List Features Satyapal Singh & Biplab Deb

Illustration: Arati Gujar

The prestigious and previously invisible Jio Institute has released a list of candidates for its “Nation Wants to Know” Achievers Programme. The list has not been made public, much like the institute’s faculty, website, Facebook page, Twitter handle, or campus. But we have been assured by a WhatsApp forward that a few candidates have been shortlisted for being over achievers.

“Jio Institute is #1 in Planet (Indian flag, Indian flag)”, the WhatsApp read, “Many patentable ideas have come from these proud Indians today! Jai Hind!”

The forward, signed “screening member, Jio institute,” made it too legit to ignore, and very easy to verify. Warning: Number 2 will put you in a state of epileptic shock!!

Biplab Kumar Deb

The newest kid on the block has turned out to be quite the prodigy! Hardly 100 days in government and he has presented more patentable ideas than Apple and Google combined. Makes sense, since in his world, the internet existed in the times of the Mahabharata, and the first settlers used coins from Facebook’s Farmville to grow their crop.

The forward, signed “screening member, Jio institute,” made it too legit to ignore, and very easy to verify.

Biplab’s earth-shattering innovation during his time at the Jio institute was a line of beauty products that promised to take you from Diana Hayden to Aishwarya Rai, sirf saat dino mein. Sources reported that this decision was finalised once it was clear Diana Hayden didn’t look enough like Goddess Saraswati. His second idea, of entering a number of civil engineering students for civil service exams, is yet to be tested, but he has promised us that soon Guwahati City and Civic will be much better than Honda City and Civic.  

Satyapal Singh

Jio’s next entry is ex-police commissioner of Mumbai Satyapal Singh for his groundbreaking research linking Charles Darwin with Charles Sobhraj. “Multiple bikini-clad women used to roam the Galápagos Islands all those years ago, where did they really go? Must think,” he posted on Twitter, apparently after a tough night of fighting crime.

The minister of state’s sole objective behind publishing this social media paper was to prove that Darwin’s theory of “ape turning to man” was all wrong, and that we should instead believe his theory, “man has been always been a man” because the epics said so. Researchers say Singh’s argument was too poor to bother countering, making it one of the most widely read theories in the last year. They have also filed for a refund of their CBSE degree.

Justice Mahesh Chandra Sharma

Following close on the heels of our two active politicians is a retired judge from Rajasthan High Court. Jio Institute was particularly proud, sources tell us, about his unparalleled compassion for animals. Sharma is best known for using the very fertile tears of the Indian peacock Pavo cristatus, to create the world’s first half peacock-half human. Sources say this genetic mashup resulted in something so disgusting it had to be stowed away in the darkest corner of the Bangladesh border.

The Justice’s study linking semen to peacock tears, is expected to be followed up with his latest musing: “If cows can exhale Oxygen, why can’t humans absorb Carbon Dioxide?”

This list, while very good news for all Indians ever, is just the first of its kind. Sources say other notable mentions likely to make it in the second list are Subramanian Swamy, who believes homosexuality is a genetic flaw despite having been one of the first few people to meet Justice Sharma’s “Peaman”, and social activist Vishwa Bandhu Gupta, who is currently attempting to find his Google backup in an actual cloud in Lonavala.

Edited by Sagar S