By Abha Mehra Dec. 12, 2018
As shaadi season takes off, prepare to have your timelines flooded with carefully casual pre-wedding photoshoots. For couples in love, a pre-wedding photoshoot is like KRK reviewing films: They assume it’s their creative outlet but forget that no one really wants it.
Last week, a friend decided to get married to her childhood sweetheart. Nope, she isn’t Isha Ambani. I wish she was though. At least that way I could have gotten to see Beyoncé live. Anyway, I digress. My friend’s decision made me feel two very different emotions: On the one hand, I was ecstatic for her even while crying a river inside (’cos #NotHaqSeSingle). But on the other, I was horrified at what her proposed union would entail: A pre-wedding photoshoot.
You know the terror that grips you whenever your relatives begin sending you Facebook friend requests with the sole intention of asking “Beta, shaadi kab karogi?” on yet another medium? Multiply that fear by a 100 and that’s how I feel about pre-wedding photoshoots encroaching my online timelines.
For couples in love, a pre-wedding photoshoot is a little like KRK reviewing Hindi films every week: They assume it’s their creative outlet but forget that no one really wants it. If you think about it, the whole point of pre-wedding photoshoots is for couples to just let their Tinder matches know that they’re taken. Anyone miss that time when you could do the same thing by just changing your relationship status from “Single” to “Committed” on Facebook? Good ol’ days. Except now, revenge is best served through Canon EOS 5D Mark III.
The most infuriating part however is, that all of these photoshoots look exactly the same: There’s one low-budget Daboo Ratnani. A couple declaring their love to the world striking poses that could put SRK and Kareena from Asoka to shame. And a heritage monument in the city (think, Gateway of India and Humayun’s Tomb) finally being remembered because of their #InstagramAesthetic.
Considering that the number of friends getting married and the free time I have because I am not invited to any of those weddings is directly proportional to each other, I have decided to burden a great responsibility: To decode the mysteries behind four classic go-to pre-wedding shoot poses.
1. The Dhadkan
The starter pack for this pose is “Tum dil ki dhadkan mein rehte ho” playing in the background and the photographer yelling, “Aur paas aur paas” to a couple who have just fought but are pretending to look like Jodi No 1. The girl is supposed to suppress her rage and rest her head very gently on her saiyaanji’s chest to re-establish that women are as fragile as phool and need support from macho man boobs. While the guy is supposed to do what he does best – absolutely nothing. This pose is best served under 30 degrees celsius sunlight as the guy profusely sweats and the girl proves her love (for his body odour) by losing all sense of smell.
2. The Aankhon Dekhi
The Aankhon Dekhi is a favourite for couples who love a challenge and secretly identify as Roadiessexual. It’s pretty self-explanatory: The guy and girl stare with longing into each other’s eyes while wearing Indian designer wear at Bandra Fort and forgetting every normal human emotion like blinking, sneezing, or breathing. The idea of this pose is to find out how dead your SO is inside and if push came to shove, who between the two of you could play a better statue than Tiger Shroff? In case you were wondering, this pose works best for commitment-phobes who’ve broken up at least five times before deciding to be stuck to each other. Their relationship status on Facebook still remains “It’s Complicated!”
In 2018 revenge is best served through Canon EOS 5D Mark III.
3. The Trite Twosome
Then there are couples who love to drown… in cliches. To honour the only Hollywood movie they’ve ever watched, the couple decide to recreate the classic Kate and Leo moment from Titanic, desi style. Both the girl and guy spread their arms while mentally mouthing “Main udnaa chahta hoon, daudna chahta hoon, girna chahta hoon”. This pose works best for people who vehemently claim that their arranged marriage is actually an “arranged cum love marriage”.
4. The Sanskargasm
In the Sanskargasm, the girl sits on a royal chair sourced from Chor Bazaar and the guy towers behind her with his hands firmly on her shoulders because patriarchy toh banta hai. There’s very little display of love in this pose because sanskar is a state of mind. The whole point of the Sanskargasm is to hide the groom’s beer belly. Naturally, it works best for all couples who invite their families on their honeymoon, Hum Saath Saath Hain style.
Irrespective of what pose you choose, always remember the cardinal rule: If your pre-wedding photoshoot isn’t as extra as the Ambanis dancing to “GUJJU” from Kal Ho Naa Ho, then did your photographer even do their bloody job?
Abha houses rants and an insatiable hunger for anything cheesy. Her love for afternoon naps and free pizza is almost scary. Side note, feel free to gift her jhumkas over peach iced tea anytime.