Investigation Finds Statue of Unity No Mere Memorial; Will be Used to Launch Space Missions

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Investigation Finds Statue of Unity No Mere Memorial; Will be Used to Launch Space Missions

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

Even before it was unveiled, the Statue of Unity had already begun dominating the news cycle. While the media chose to dwell on factors like its whopping cost or the irony of the BJP building a monument to Sardar Vallabhai Patel, an exclusive investigation has just found that the Statue of Unity is no mere memorial. Instead, with the covert participation of the DRDO, the Statue of Unity is actually the world’s most expensively built espionage HQ. An inside source from the R&D wing of DRDO shed some light on how the Statue of Unity will be used for reasons beyond tourism and political chest-thumping.

For starters, there is no more hiding for the hapless RBI officials who issued loans to Nirav Modi, Vijay Mallya, and their ilk. Our insider source at the DRDO told us that the statue’s arms were powered by robotics. “Whenever a corporate baron defaults on his loan and flees the country, the statue will point in the direction of the bank branch where the loan was approved,” he said. This also explained why the statue’s arms looked like they were doing the macarena in all directions at the time of going to press.

“The statue’s head contains a state-of-the-art surveillance room, where investigators can track down black money hoarders with ease,” our source continued, adding to the list of spying features the Statue of Unity boasts. The walls of monitors within the surveillance room display the geographical coordinates of every ATM transaction taking place in the country, and the statue’s eyeballs will shoot out a flare that hovers over the location of the suspect. “We call this the ‘Akhiyon Se Goli Mare’ protocol,” our DRDO officer said.

In addition to DRDO, another agency with an unreported role in the construction of the Statue of Unity is ISRO. A spokesman from the space agency gleefully disclosed that the government has designed a special launch pad at the top of the statue, from where the next Chandrayaan mission will be launched. The ISRO spokesman explained the logic behind their decision by stating, “Rocket fuel isn’t any cheaper than car fuel these days, so even saving the cost of the 182 metres worth of fuel that launching from the top means a huge windfall for the agency.”

The final feature of the Statue of Unity makes life much easier for our wanderlust-afflicted PM. From the viewing galleries, the towering statues offers wonderful views of the Indian countryside. The PMO’s office will have a live feed showing him the idyllic landscape on the banks of the Narmada, to soothe his homesickness when he’s spending eight days a week making foreign trips.

The Statue of Unity has proven to be more divisive than its name suggests, but hopefully, the findings contained within this report help the public come to terms with what a blessing in disguise this monument is for our nation.

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