Investigation Finds Statue of Unity No Mere Memorial; Will be Used to Launch Space Missions

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Investigation Finds Statue of Unity No Mere Memorial; Will be Used to Launch Space Missions

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

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ven before it was unveiled, the Statue of Unity had already begun dominating the news cycle. While the media chose to dwell on factors like its whopping cost or the irony of the BJP building a monument to Sardar Vallabhai Patel, an exclusive investigation has just found that the Statue of Unity is no mere memorial. Instead, with the covert participation of the DRDO, the Statue of Unity is actually the world’s most expensively built espionage HQ. An inside source from the R&D wing of DRDO shed some light on how the Statue of Unity will be used for reasons beyond tourism and political chest-thumping.

For starters, there is no more hiding for the hapless RBI officials who issued loans to Nirav Modi, Vijay Mallya, and their ilk. Our insider source at the DRDO told us that the statue’s arms were powered by robotics. “Whenever a corporate baron defaults on his loan and flees the country, the statue will point in the direction of the bank branch where the loan was approved,” he said. This also explained why the statue’s arms looked like they were doing the macarena in all directions at the time of going to press.

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