IIT-Madras Vigilance Officer Who Counted Student’s Condoms Considered for CBI Chief’s Post


IIT-Madras Vigilance Officer Who Counted Student’s Condoms Considered for CBI Chief’s Post

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

In between another episode of “Who Wants to Be CBI Chief”, the government announced on Tuesday that it had come up with a unique solution to the crisis. Highly placed sources say the IIT Madras vigilance officer, who counted used condom packets from the dustbins of the campus, is the frontrunner for the CBI chief post.

“The CBI’s reputation is paramount,” a senior bureaucrat told us between his lunch break and high-tea break. “To control all the Asthanas, Vermas and Sharmas out there, the department needs a boss with hawk-eye vision. We’re sure this vigilance officer is the right man for the job.”

“The first thing that really impressed me, was how committed he was to his job. We heard that he posted his findings up on the college notice board, even before washing his hands,” the bureaucrat said between his high-tea break and leaving time.  

“In addition, he is humane. He had the basic courtesy to check with female students if the beds in boys’ rooms were comfortable later,” the bureaucrat added, before his breakfast break the next morning.

A source pointed out that since the new vigilance officer is not from the Gujarat cadre, someone within the ministry was questioning whether the officer would be able to cope in Delhi. But a senior minister in the home ministry angrily brushed aside these concerns. “Koi bhi maa ke pet se seekh ke nahi aata hai. Hum sab kis liye hain?”

“We will be in constant touch with him to check on his progress,” the minister said. “We’ll tell him what the issues of national importance are. When to act, and when not to,” he added, before claiming that the word autonomous was ancient Sanskrit for “ruled by BJP”.

Another official went on to highlight another striking quality in the vigilance officer. “As Finance Minister Arun Jaitley said today, a true sign of professionalism is the ability to remain faceless, and resist the temptation of rushing to media for every little thing…” The IIT official did exactly that, unlike the Delhi Police when they found some used condoms in JNU campus. They shouted so hard, even a MLA from Rajasthan heard it.

Meanwhile, a student from whose room the used condom was found, is regretting his decision to listen to PM’s Swachh Bharat message. “If I had just left it under my mattress, like so many of my peers, it would have been okay,” he said.