Horrorscope: What Dangers Lurk in the Month of March


Horrorscope: What Dangers Lurk in the Month of March

Illustration: Shivali Devalkar

Capricorn: Alas, Mars moving into the House of the Rising Sun means that the rising tide of thetans in your bloodstream will make you consider joining Scientology and donating all your life’s savings to the production of Tom Cruise’s next Mission Impossible film. Here’s a hint: Don’t. Even if you had the money, the censor board will shut you down.

Aquarius: Number Seven rules your future. NASA’s latest discovery of seven new Earth-like planets means that your mobile bill will inexplicably be at least seven times more expensive this month. A shooting star foretold a seven per cent growth spike for the nation’s GDP. Sadly, the same star also brought a seven per cent growth for your body-fat percentage. It is a good week to hit the gym.

Pisces: Should you watch this week’s episode of Koffee With Karan, you are likely to suffer from massive gas. This is because the moon is on the wane, like your tolerance for this seemingly endless season of the show. The ATM will also swallow your card this week, unless you type “Amen” into at least ten Facebook posts by 6 pm today.

Aries: The number of stars that converged at the Oscars warped the fabric of your universe. Expect the following symptoms, if you haven’t experienced them already – speaking in Priyanka Chopra’s accent, an insatiable greed for golden statues, and a tendency to make embarrassing mix-ups while announcing things.

Taurus: The uptick in frequency of solar flares means that you’re going to burn your tongue when you try to drink chai. As your sign is the bull, you will be feeling very horny this week. To control your carnal desires, please take three cold showers a day, spend two hours in deep meditation, and, should that not be enough, carry a photo of your grandmother to look at every 15 minutes.

Gemini: Your evil twin, whom you’ve never met, has been on the lookout for you all month. The only way to prevent this is to perform a ritual where you sprinkle chilli powder into your underwear. For guaranteed results, make sure to sprinkle with flair equal to, or more than #saltbae. Being born under the sign of The Twins can be perilous.

Cancer: If you live in Delhi, be wary as ABVP members might be beating you up while you’re reading this. Pluto’s movement in orbit means you’re likely to be even more susceptible to headaches in the coming week. Meanwhile, the position of Saturn means that construction work shall begin around your house soon. Ear plugs are recommended.

Leo: Romantic disappointment is on the cards, as you’ve been too busy to find a date. The reason for your tardiness is global warming, which in turn is a symptom of Venus and Mercury’s obsessive need to be closer to the sun than Earth. Earth’s jealousy leads to global warming, which is an example of why meditation is important.

Virgo: Your house help will take an unscheduled day off, leaving you elbow-deep in dirty dishwater. Meanwhile, the slipping down of Orion’s belt means that Uranus might soon be visible to Earth. With these developments, it’s recommended you invest in low-waist jeans, loose shorts, small towels, and yoga pants if you want to make your fortune.

Libra: Uranus has cast its baleful influence over your digestive system, and you may suffer from explosive diarrhoea should you engage in physical activity. Even so, try to slip and fall over errant banana peels on the road. The positive influence of Jupiter means that you will perform a 360-degree flip and land on your feet to applause from bystanders. This will be the coolest moment of your life.

Your weed will grow fungus and your chillum will crack. Should you wish to smoke ever again, you must make a pilgrimage to Mount Kailash and ask permission directly from Lord Shiva. You will be guided by a prophetic lizard. Please leave out freshly killed cockroaches to lure lizards to your home, and try to understand the lizard’s speech, because it will enlighten you for the rest of your existence.

Neptune brings opportunity to Sagittarian lives. While gazing at the moon, also keep an eye out for flying rotis from your neighbour’s kitchen window. If you catch the roti that someone else rejected, you will make a great fortune in the next 50 years. But if it’s cold, it means you need to talk to your parents about whether you were adopted.