Horrorscope for April’s Fools


Horrorscope for April’s Fools

Illustration: Akshita Monga/Arré

With the savage sun now melting everyone foolish enough to venture out, you can tell April has arrived. The month is the start of a new fiscal chapter, kicked off by a day of foolishness. But the biggest prank that will be played in April will be on you, and the prankster shall be the Universe. I’m not trying to spook anybody, but the stars do not lie…


Mercury entering retrograde is bad news for Aries. The planet’s reversed direction is going to cause a similar turnaround in your personal finances, but not for the better. As the financial year ends, you will learn that your family CA has emptied all your accounts and fled to South America. You may choose to see a silver lining in the fact that filing for bankruptcy frees you from filing your taxes.


The lunar cycle spells doom for Taureans. Their obstinate nature will grow stronger as the moon waxes. This means news of the CBSE retests will not be taken well by them, and any student with Goa plans will stubbornly go anyway, even if it means failing the examination. Hopefully a pint of Kings Beer can wash away the taste of failure.


Geminis need to be wary of the date April 20. Stepping out of the house without a face mask that day might expose you to funny smelling wafts of smoke with mysterious origins. Prolonged exposure to this smoke may cause you to lose focus at work, and alienate your co-workers by eating their dabbas on the sly. Unless you understood this entry and its implication, it’s better to stay at home this day.


Venus’ proximity to Orion’s Belt is cause for concern for Cancerians. The Goddess of Love might cause turmoil in your love life, as your significant other will decide to bring the term “ball-tampering” to the bedroom. Depending on your opinions on both Steve Smith and the Fifty Shades franchise, this could be the beginning of something wonderful or something terrible for you.


A magnetic storm on Jupiter has caused a shit storm in Leo lives. Mainstream media will not tell you that out of the 50 million Facebook users whose data was leaked to Cambridge Analytica, 49 million were Leos. This has caused Leos worldwide to be doxxed, and April promises to see a continuation of the telemarketer phone calls with spam mails on the side, and creepy DMs with a special IRL stalker accessory.


A shooting star across Ursa Major portends trouble for Virgos. Their Instagram post dissing Ubers – that is, a selfie taken in a rickshaw – will be discovered by the drivers’ union, leading to them becoming a blackballed passenger. This social media shitposting will come back to bite Virgos in the ass when the temperatures get really hot in April, and the rickshaw seems like a poor alternative to the air-conditioned Ubers.


At this point in Mars’ orbit, its baleful influence is strong on Librans. This means they are likely to be swayed by the dark side. In light of this development, Librans should refrain from watching Netflix’s Osho documentary, Wild Wild Country, as exposure to the cult leader might cause you to go seek out a baba to call your own. Let us know how that works out for you.


Uranus has been hard to spot with a telescope, which means Scorpios are in for a world of pain. April is a bad month to go on any first dates. Should you be foolish enough to do so, you will find yourself becoming an unwitting part of the main event of Pramod Muthalik and the Sri Ram Sene’s April comeback tour. Last month’s clean chit by the court has given these boys an excuse to let off years of pent-up energy, and you don’t want to be around when it happens.


If there is a full moon this month, Sagittarians are screwed. Proving that you can have too much of a good thing, your love for tea will land you a job in the Maharashtra CM’s office. Your sole duty will be to drink 18,000 cups of the stuff every day to justify the office expenditures. Expect your last words to be “Cheeni kam”.


If the North Star continues to remain in its current position, Capricorns will have cause to be very afraid. If you’re currently enjoying your single status, you might want to consider going incognito for a while. Your parents will have had enough of the bachelor lifestyle and, inspired by how quickly our Parliament passed the Finance Bill, will organise an equally rushed 30-minute swayamvar that will end with you married. Whether you like it or not.


Cloud formations seen in the Little Bear constellation have grave consequences for Aquarians. These clouds might disrupt satellite signal to your house during the IPL opening ceremony. This will force you and your family to actually talk to each other instead of watching the idiot box, and you will discover the only thing you had in common was the TV remote. Good luck with that identity crisis.


For Pisceans, each star in the Seven Sisters is twinkling with murderous intent. Each one stands for 10 IQ points that you will lose when you are dragged to a theatre by your friends to watch Baaghi 2. Whether you remain fully functional after losing 70 IQ points is anyone’s guess. What is certain is that you will get diarrhoea from eating too much popcorn, and wish you had just stayed home to watch the Hindi dub of Rambo: First Blood Part II instead.