By Arre Jan. 29, 2017
We’ve charted the course of the heavens and divined the signs in the tea leaves. Be afraid, be very afraid.
quarius: Your morning walks are likely to begin with you stepping in dog poop and end with you being splashed with puddle water by a passing car. The sunrise will also endanger your health with its OTT UV rays, unless you saluted the flag for 25 minutes on Republic Day. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.
Pisces: Don’t trust sea food because of Neptune’s baleful influence over our oceans. There are increased chances that you may face a flood, if you happen to live by the water on the beach, or have a habit of playing with dams.
Aries: Today, Saturn’s moons are in conjunction with your ram’s horns, creating a horrific month ahead. At some point, you are likely to pour an entire bottle of Patanjali hair cream on your head for a dare and be forced to watch as your hair falls out. Bald people born during this time period will probably suffer from a bout of diarrhoea.
Taurus: Seeing as Pluto is no longer a planet, you may be mistaken for a real bull and get locked in an enclosure while a South Indian man performs Jallikattu on you. This may or may not be an unpleasant experience for you. In case you have a long standing feud with Mercury, or long curly hair, your chances of looking like Bobby Deol will increase two-fold.
Gemini: Your long-lost evil twin will show up at your workplace with a chainsaw in hand and a cigarette in their mouth this month. You may lose either your life or your job in the chaos that follows. If you are scared of small, crowded places, stay out of Mumbai local trains. In case you are scared of large empty spaces, it is advised that you stay out of Donald Trump’s head.
Cancer: Andromeda’s quasars will interrupt your chakras causing you to lose cell-phone service while sending your votes for the Big Boss finale. The UP election will have a negative effect on you, if you happen to live in UP or hate elections revolving around family drama. Akhilesh Yadav may or may not cycle through your dreams tonight.
Leo: Copernicus said that 2017 will be the year that the Milky Way turns into the Butter Way. This is also a warning to all Leos with high cholesterol and blood pressure that chicken makhani is now off the menu for you. Now is also a good time to mend ties with estranged family members; please visit Gir Sanctuary, the lions miss you.
Virgo: Sportspersons, alas, Jupiter’s change in position has ensured that you won’t be making it to the final of the Australian Open this year. In fact, you are not likely to win a World Cup in any sport either, ensuring that a biopic will never be made on your life. In case you are not a sportsperson, you will run a fever harsh enough to dehydrate you, but not enough for you to skip work.
Libra: If you play your cards right, you could win a lot of money at poker, until you are convinced to double down, and lose everything. Since Mars is looming on the horizon, you are unlikely to win the Nobel Prize for watching the most Netflix ever, but instead be publicly humiliated for not knowing Game of Thrones.
Scorpio: The position of Ursa Major in the sky means there is room for great upheaval in your life. Your characteristic sarcasm and stinging put downs might foretell either a successful career as a news show host, or signify the sudden appearance of a tight slap on your cheek.
Sagittarius: The hot air of Venus is likely to influence Salman Khan into running after you with a loaded gun sometime within the next month. If you get away, thank your stars for a few minutes before you unexpectedly die of natural causes. Stay away from areas that children frequent because there is a higher than likely chance that someone will throw a lollipop into your hair.
Capricorn: Jupiter’s juxtaposition to the sun has delivered to you — most insidiously — a higher percent chance of stubbing your toe on the way to watching Raees. You also have a significantly higher chance of running into Uday Chopra or some other Chopra soon, thus impressing your friends.