Half Girlfriend and Bollywood’s Other Fascinating Baes

Humour

Half Girlfriend and Bollywood’s Other Fascinating Baes

Illustration: Akshita Monga

The Accidental SeductressRani Saif

“Wanna take this to the bedroom… I have a Karaoke machine”

This Bollywood girlfriend often finds herself in close quarters with the hero by accident. Either a part of her saree gets stuck in the man’s cufflink, or she falls down a flight of steps into his arms. He leans in for the kiss, but just when the lips are about to make contact, she starts to sing. He goes in for the lips again, she turns and gives him her cheek. He goes in for the lips a third time, this time he’s excited, she looks to the sky and bends backwards, so he’s left smelling her neck. When they get into bed together, they flap against each other like two fish.

Girlfriend Who
Switzerland-Indian-Movie-Stars-800x490

“Great now my shoulder’s stuck to your back. We’re never getting out of here.”

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She has the ability to take a boring old love song and turn it into a destination song sequence through some pretty sweet teleportation techniques. In one blink of an eye, the doting couple is transported to the Swiss Alps, or the Pyramids of Egypt. The couple continues to wear the same clothes they wore pre-teleport, even if they’ve gone from tropical paradise to a blizzard, or from a holy place of worship to a beach.

The “Shining” Example
Deepika Padukone Saif Ali Khan

“I’ll always love you, Akshaye Khanna.”

This kind of girlfriend is plotting your death ten minutes before the movie starts. You think you can trust her, but even she has no idea what she’s going to do next. She will go to any length to get the things she loves, even if it means pulling a number of OJs. In the end when she finally gets what she loves, she casts a spell to make him forget how messed up she actually is, so they can move on to accidentally seducing each other. In some movies the Shining Girlfriend has a hard time keeping up with the plot because she is expected to keep track of too many twists.

The Manic Pixie Nightmare
Kareena Kapoor

“Do another line… I swear it’s good for you… I am fucking flying right now… Wheee!”

This girl doesn’t just attempt to inspire the hero into appreciating his life more, she takes him to near death at least five times during the course of the movie. She doesn’t just want to book tickets for an impromptu vacation, she wants to reach the station and leap into the first moving train she sees – even if the train’s headed to Patna. This girl has so much energy from being so bubbly that she doesn’t travel by car, she breaks into a nearby steel plant and fashions herself a bike. Don’t piss this girl off, she will encourage you to accept that suicide is a fashionable way of looking at life.

The Shapeshifter
kajol6

“I could have been India’s best basketball player… Now I have this gold thing”

She was badass. She had short hair, played with boys, and made fun of everybody. Over the years, in order to please the potential boyfriend, she changes her personality completely to reflect more Alok Nath than Miley Cyrus. She used to drink tequila directly out of the bottle, but now she makes lassi all day. Her sports gear has given way for an aarti thali, and the young childhood josh gives way to husband worship. The shapeshifter now cooks, cleans, and is waiting to be introduced to someone’s mother. Don’t mess with her, or she will pray endlessly until you have been cursed by the Indian culture gods.

The Shadow
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“My Boyfriend Strongest!”

This girlfriend gets relationship advice from Vodafone advertisements. Wherever her boyfriend goes, she follows. If he’s in the toilet, she’ll wait patiently outside. If he’s meeting his sister at a coffee shop, she’s staring in through the window. This girl has no other role than to be madly in love with a man. You could ask how work went and she’ll talk about her loving boyfriend, because she doesn’t go to work. She sits in a void and waits for the boyfriend to return, so she can have some sort of role in this movie again.

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