The Bollywood Parent Trap


The Bollywood Parent Trap

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

The Ultima-mum

If you haven’t done your puja, or studied for your exams, this kind of mother might just threaten to abandon you. This mother is loving enough to sacrifice all her jewellery for the benefit of her young children, but she will ensure she drops a few earrings in front of you while she’s on the way to the goldsmith, so you can reflect on how sacrificial she’s been the next time you’re about to cuddle with your girlfriend.Amitabh Bachchan
“I shall sell both my kidneys next”

Making an Ultima-mum happy is a highly unlikely event. The only reported way to deal with such a mother is by following these three excruciating steps: a) Lock eyes with her, b) Cry, like you mean it, c) Sing a song for about six minutes.

The Param-papa
This dad is not one to fuck with, if you haven’t practiced your shlokas. If you are a girl, he will ban you from meeting boys, men, or transgenders. If you are a boy, girls will always be a distraction from your studies; other boys and transgenders will always be a bad influence.

If you are transgender, you have always been a disappointment anyway, so don’t bother. Mind your language around Param-papa; this is a father you do not want to teach to fuck. He will lock you and all your friends in a room for days if you indicate that you attended a Biology class once.
Amiitabh Bachchan
“You’re lucky I put on my kind tika today”

The Mage Mata
Some Bollywood mothers are too powerful to be human. These Mage Matas are so amazing, in fact, that they could only be aliens. Mage Matas come equipped with the ability to sense their flock arriving home up to two hours in advance.

“Karan Arjun be damned. I’m bringing Hitler back…”

This gives her enough time to prepare the aarti thali, and deliver enough sad-but-grateful expressions into the camera. A few Mages have immense power. Karan Arjun, a documentary about a Mage Mata named Rakhee, tells one such sordid tale.

Rakhee is blessed with the ability to bring people back to life, but is cursed with the misfortune of only being able to say four words for the rest of her life. Good thing she didn’t turn out to be evil.

The Avante-Dad
This dad’s so cool, he won’t rest until you’re covered in tattoos. You don’t call him papa, you call him Popz. This dad is in tune with all the latest “kid lingo”; he says lmfao at business meetings. His favourite song is “Lemonade” by “Bouncy” and he occasionally listens to “the rap music”.

Anupam Kher
“And then I was like… don’t even go there brah”

He follows Tanmay Bhatt on “the Snapchat” and thinks she delivered the role of her life in Highway. This dad makes you drink beer at the age of 15, and whiskey at the age of 18. The avante-dad doesn’t believe in examinations or success, he encourages his children to live off his fortune.

The Mom-nipresent
She doesn’t just take the time out from her busy schedule to make you lunch. She ensures you eat your lunch, digest it, poop it out, and wash your butt after. If a bully calls you ladoo, she will be the first person to find out about it and prepare a batch of toxic ladoos to gift the bully’s mother.

Jaya Bachchan
“Got you some steel beta. Eat it jaldi.”

As Bollywood children grow older, they will find it extremely difficult to get any privacy. This mother will literally stand in the corner and watch as you have your first childhood crushes, adult crushes, or weddings or whatever. This mother will always know what you want. Even if it is something you do not want, you should probably just take what she gives you.