GDP Will Be at Record High After DeepVeer’s Hazaar Receptions: NITI Aayog


GDP Will Be at Record High After DeepVeer’s Hazaar Receptions: NITI Aayog

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

Several rating agencies have sprung up in the last few weeks, dedicated to revising India’s growth for the financial year. The NITI Aayog, which met its objective last week by successfully fudging the UPA’s numbers to be lower than the Modi government’s, has today come down hard on skeptics of the Indian economy.

“To all these self-proclaimed economists, I have just one question to ask,” a Mr Ravindra from the NITI Aayog office said. “Have you taken into account all the receptions that DeepVeer has hosted in the last week alone?”

“After the Ambani wedding, there has been a flurry of celebrity unions. Yesterday, NickYanka started its ceremonies. Do you have any idea how many haldis, kumkums, mehendis, and sangeets celebrity couples have to have before they are finally considered married,” the economist asked.

“Where will all that money go? Back into the economy, obviously?” Mr Ravindra concluded, showing us photographs of Priyanka Chopra laughing on Instagram for proof.

Mr Ravindra also pointed out that this quarter would be the first where we would see the positive effects of the Statue Economy and the Pakora Economy. He says 500 pakora stalls were opened outside the gate of the Statue of Unity to help cement the point.

“Ever since we announced that we were building a Ram statue and a Shivaji Maharaj statue, we have got over three lakh proposals from builders to make statues of people they really like,” another NITI Aayog member said. “From this number you can gauge the feel-good factor that is going to spur our economy,” he added, showing us a video in which a confused Amitabh Bachchan is dancing with Ranveer Singh to “Jumma Chumma De De.”

Considering all these factors, the economy does indeed seem to be looking up. We asked Mr Ravindra how the government plans to keep it that way. “We will ask Salman Khan to get married and have a dozen high-profile receptions, of course,” he replied. “Like the RBI’s rainy-day fund, we cannot wait forever for him to decide to marry. We will bring in an ordinance to this effect, if he does not cooperate,” said a senior minister in the government.