By Sagar S Apr. 25, 2016
Ekta Kapoor is reportedly all set to make a Hindi remake of Game of Thrones. Here's what the Balaji version of Season 1 will look like.
It starts out with a perfect family, as it always does. They live in a gigantic palace in a field in north India. Nandu “Ned” Sharma, an honest businessman, is the patriarch of the family; his wife Kavita is quiet, but badass. Their three children have achieved von Trapp levels of obedience – except the adopted one, Joju “Jon” Barf, who is treated like shit because he’s adopted after all.
Then there are the Laxmans, modelled after the Lannisters, only eviler. The matriarch of the Laxman family, Simar “Cersei” Laxman, is married to the king of the 7 Shakhas, Rohan “Robert” Bharadwaj, a rotund man with a drinking problem. Simar is well-respected, and in some areas feared, but that’s because not too many people know that she’s in love with her brother Jugnoo “Jaime” Laxman.
One day, the locals of the 7 Shakhas find out about the incest angle, and force Simar and Jugnoo to tie rakhis over eight “special” episodes with random TV guest stars, and all is forgiven. But the Laxmans continue to behave like assholes to prove that they are indeed the bad guys. They beat their domestic help while holding glasses of wine (juice), pay employees very little, and call their children “unique”, even though they’re actually quite stupid.
Meanwhile, on the eastern continent of Assam, sister and brother Durga “Daenerys” Taluqdar and Vishnu “Viserys” Taluqdar, set out on a journey to reclaim the Iron Throne in Delhi. This looks like a promising plot line till Vishnu gets Durga married off to a travelling kushti enthusiast from Haryana. Durga protests in an emotional roller coaster of an episode, but this is an Indian TV show and she’s a girl, so nobody gives a fuck.
The plot finally gets under way in episode 240, once all 140 characters’ reaction shots have been established. It starts with Rohan and Simar’s visit to the Laxman palace for some “business-related work”. During their visit, the youngest of the Sharma sons spots Simar kissing her brother Jugnoo. In the original series, the Sharma son “falls” off a building, but in the Indian version, Simar is rounded up by the villagers and honour killed. The youngest Sharma son is sent off with a travelling band of Hare Krishnas.
On the day of Nandu’s execution, spanning over 12 episodes, Simar’s son Jaggu “Joffrey” makes an impassioned speech, and the crowd cheers. Ananya “Arya” Sharma watches as her father is killed.
In our version, Ananya mourns for 106 episodes with a puja thali and an idol of (insert generic deity here) on her lap, till he magically reappears.
Meanwhile, the adopted Sharma child, Joju, decides that he’s tired of being the best looking of all Sharmas and leaves for Kashmir to protect the border. He is joined by Tarun “Tyrion” Laxman, a short man (some call him chottu), who has been outcast by the rest of the Laxman family. Tarun has a repertoire of really lame jokes, and a catchphrase that’s repeated every three minutes. But laugh tracks are inserted at random to give the impression that everyone’s having a great time.
Back in the Sharma household, tension has escalated between Rohan and Nandu over Durga. Rohan thinks Durga should be killed, since she’s from a land he isn’t familiar with, but Nandu refuses. This escalates to a point when Nandu is sentenced to death. Two song sequences take up the next six episodes and the entire family weeps, but nobody protests the Laxmans’ decision, because, “what will the neighbours say”.
Now as we know, in the original Game of Thrones, Nandu does not live. In our version, Ananya mourns for 106 episodes with a puja thali and an idol of (insert generic deity here) on her lap, till he magically reappears. This is a big surprise since at least 1,000 people have personally watched him die. His reappearance is attributed to magic induced by religion, or an evil twin brother, or some other such exaggerated plot twist (no need for specifics at this stage). Then it will take another 20 episodes for Nandu to convince his family that he’s indeed back from the dead.
Meanwhile, the Jat husband of the extremely attractive Durga, is tragically cursed by an ichadaari naagin, and is in a vegetative state. The now upset Durga, who has reached the forests of West Bengal on her quest to Delhi, decides to take her own life. But just then, she sees a wounded tigress in the forest, and adopts her three cubs (possible subplot where the cubs avenge their mother). She is now Maa Sherawali.
With this powerful imagery, the first season of 609 episodes, just ends. In Season 2, we hear Maa Sherawali tames the tiger using her left eyebrow. Stay tuned for more.
Sagar has lived in Mumbai for most of his life. You can often find him complaining about potholes and local trains when he isn't out having a mediocre time.