Harry Potter + Jurassic Park = Game of Thrones: I’ve Never Watched the Show, But This is What I Know

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Harry Potter + Jurassic Park = Game of Thrones: I’ve Never Watched the Show, But This is What I Know

Illustration: Arati Gujar

I

haven’t seen a single episode of Game Of Thrones, and going by the reaction of fans to the finale on my Twitter and Facebook timelines, I should be glad.

Make no mistake, I’m not a hater of popular culture who is “too cool” for mainstream shows, it’s just that there are only that many disappointing seasons I can handle at a time. I am after all a Manchester United fan. Let’s just say we’ve had a rough year, or five. That said I can feel your pain, GoT mourners.  

I might not know much but from what I hear, it seems like a tumultuous marriage between Harry Potter and Jurassic Park, where people have titles longer than mutual fund advertisements have disclaimers.

Game of Thrones has captured the public imagination unlike any other show in recent times. Everyone religiously gets up at 6 AM on a Monday, hashtags start trending immediately, people “want to have babies” with a certain character, memes start doing the rounds, and everyone has theories about how things will unfold. The information overload is impossible to avoid, and despite having never watched the show, I feel like I know enough to make small talk at an awkward office party.

Winter is coming,” I’ve learnt, is a cue that a new season is around the corner. Otherwise there’s no reason for Vishal from Nalasopara to claim in the month of May, that winter is coming. And honestly, I don’t know about winter but aayega to Modi hi.

“Winter is coming,” I’ve learnt, is a cue that a new season is around the corner.

It’s a political drama, I hear. That black chair with the spikes around it is where I imagine Amit Shah sits after a long day’s work. That throne is everywhere. Just like Hanuman’s gada during the time Ramayana aired on Doordarshan, or Potter’s wand in the mid-2000s. I might have not watched GoT but I understand the craze about props. I even have a picture clicked sitting on a thermocol version of that grey chair at a mall with a plastic sword in hand. I also know for a fact that there are various factions that are competing for that throne and it often gets violent. So in a way, it is a bit like Uttar Pradesh politics.

If there is one thing I have observed from GoT posts on the internet, it is that one must never get emotionally attached to a character because anyone could die at any moment. It’s like being part of the Vyapam scam in Madhya Pradesh. And of course, there was some “Red Wedding” where apparently a lot of people got slaughtered. Now I’m starting to wonder whether the Mirzapur finale was inspired from this episode.

One thing that I keep hearing about Game Of Thrones repeatedly is that it has a lot of nudity and sex scenes. So if I were at home watching with my parents around, I’d have to leave to get a glass of water every three minutes. Also I hear there is a dragon called Drogon, it’s like calling my cat, Cot with a capital C.  

But the most popular guy on the show, I hear is the guy called Jon Snow — not John, mind you. What’s with these guys and spellings? This is a lot like spelling Devgan as Devgn. So I know this guy dies, and then he comes back, and I remember everyone making a big deal about it. Now I don’t want to be a buzzkill, but Jon Snow is a decade late, at least. The greatest comeback from the dead in television history is that of Mihir Virani in Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi.

Jon Snow returned and he was vying for that throne. Some people believe he deserved it and some others thought he didn’t. The opinion is as divided as the exit poll prediction in Odisha.

Also I hear there is a dragon called Drogon, it’s like calling my cat, Cot with a capital C.

But the person most closest to every Indian’s heart is Sansa Stark, aka Priyanka Chopra’s nanand (sister-in-law). Well, we are very easy to please, so all she needed was to don a black saree and the internet lost its shit.  There’s also a woman named Khaleesi who is apparently a badass and was favourite to be on the Iron Throne but she got screwed over like Hilary Clinton in the 2016 US Presidential Elections. “A Lannister always pays his debts,” is a quote I heard a lot, ironically from my Marwari friend who is yet to pay his share for the dinner we had two months back. I know there’s a crippled boy named Bran who got the throne and @aholley619 on Twitter described it as the “worst finale ever.”

If I’m ever stuck at a party and my life depended on talking about Game Of Thrones, I know I must reference how shit the last season was, why they shouldn’t have changed the writers, and if none of this works, I know what to say…

“You know nothing.”

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