Stripper Nahi, Toh Naagin Dance Hi Sahi: Five Stages of Every Desi Bachelor Party

Humour

Stripper Nahi, Toh Naagin Dance Hi Sahi: Five Stages of Every Desi Bachelor Party

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

I

don’t know about you, but I feel for Indian men, who are soft targets for ridicule the world over. Our game is notoriously bad and our tendency to be creepy is the subject of international disrepute. For too long now, we’ve put the itch in “Bitch Lasagna” and the gene in “send bob and vagene”. But that said damn it, desi boys know how to party.

Don’t believe me? Enter: The Desi Bachelor Party.   

Much like paneer tikka pizza and chicken tandoori footlongs, the Indian bachelor party is yet another Americanism retrofitted to our Raja Beta proclivities… where instead of Scotch, cigars, and steaks, our Desi Dudebros indulge in Royal Stag, Chhota Gold Flake, and industrial quantities of Haldiram’s aloo bhujia. Where grown-ass men gyrating to “Hawa Hawa”, “Mungda Mungda” and doing the naagin dance is commonplace. And where the lack of strippers warrants stripping your buxom bros down to their bare baniyans. Here are the five stages of every desi bachelor party:

Stage 1: Enthu Atyachaar

When a prospective dulha announces his impending wedding, a couple of his BFFs, hereby referred to as Enthu Cutlets, will bravely accept the onus of planning his Bachelor Party, dubbed as his last night of freedom. From this point forward, these Cutlets will be responsible for creating a WhatsApp Group for planning the party and putting enough eggplant and peach emojis in the group name to ruin baingan bharta for everyone. Further prep includes binge-watching all Hangover installments and listening to only gangsta rap until the night of the party. But top priority is keeping the whole event under wraps. After all, every groom has a set of tharki relatives, friends, and acquaintances, who are looking forward to a night of drinking and dirty talk. It’s the job of the Enthu Cutlets to make sure these guys don’t get invites.  

Stage 2: Assal Hustle

This is where the prepping party is truly tested. While the rest of the party is expecting strippers and some rehash of a bad porno they watched, it’s the prepping party’s unenviable job to actually procure them. You see, strippers are the unicorns of Indian bachelor parties. Fun to talk about, but who can really claim they’ve ever seen one? At best, the gutsiest member of the group will look up the numbers of “local strippers” on seedy Twitter accounts only to learn @MumbaiStriprz123 is run by a 17-year-old credit card scamster in Bundelkhand. Chances are, this conversation will fizzle out faster than Kingfisher Ultra on tap.

In essence, planning the logistics of a bachelor party in India includes arranging a truckload of daaru, 10 kilos of namkeen and five kilos of chicken tikka. There will be a few who might insist, “Let’s parteh it ap wid sum bitchez yo.” And you fight the urge to yell out, “Tu Bhiwandi mein rehta hai, STFU Bhavesh!”

After copious libations laced with rambunctious reminiscing, some Smart Alec will play his favourite songs – “Sheila ki Jawani” and “Chikni Chameli”.

Stage 3: Abhi Toh Problem Shuru Hui Hai

When the day of the party arrives, the groom and his homies will likely be crammed in a friend’s one BHK or a seedy hotel suite. In either case, everyone’s appetite for debauchery is at its hilt. The most virginal member of the group will quip something along the lines of, “Yaar, yeh thoda sausage scenes nahi ho gaya?” At which point, the other members finally tell him to go fuck himself.

A more evolved specimen of the group will then begin teasing the groom about how whipped he’s going to be for the rest of his life. This evolved member sees the bachelor party as a funeral of his friend’s singlehood. A few more drinks down, he will be found weeping dramatically bringing up the groom’s impressive string of past girlfriends and how he missed his shot at wooing them. He might even drunk text both of them.

Stage 4: Patiala Peg Pandemonium

This is when the “parteh” really kicks into overdrive. After copious libations laced with rambunctious reminiscing, some Smart Alec decides to play his favourite songs – “Sheila ki Jawani” and “Chikni Chameli”. And just like that, a bunch of college-educated males turn into Kay Kay Menon from Honeymoon Travels. In this testy free-for-all, the ones with the most flamboyant dance moves will prey on their larger, more vulnerable counterparts. Since they are lighter on their feet, they are also quicker to grab things. Pretty soon, an epidemic of stripping your own friends to their baniyans begins. It becomes evident why strippers are so hard to come by in this city. The party reaches its crescendo when a bunch of revellers gyrate to “Hawa Hawa” after taking their vests off. #ChestHairDontCare

When the music mercifully stops after a neighbour’s complaint, the silent room is engulfed in homo-erotic tension. The stench of booze and stale cheeslings fallen in plastic-cup ashtrays is overwhelming.

Stage 5: Char Dhaam Chandni Bar Yatra

After some alcohol-fuelled introspection, you come to a cathartic realisation – everyone at the party is just depraved. Some are still processing the trauma of having watched Bhavesh’s lusty pelvic thrust to “Tip Tip Barsa Paani”, and throwing ten-rupee notes at him. At this penultimate stage, one of the braver men will suggest that the party be moved to the nearest dance bar. And since most have seriously begun questioning their cis-hetero-dudebro status anyway, Drum Beats Live Orchestra is where this bachelor party will reach its merciful end.

If nothing else, desi bachelor parties have one advantage. They are enough to bring you to the realisation that being a single male with single male friends is pathetic. It is enough to convince you that getting married was indeed the right call.

Comments