EXCLUSIVE! Trump Confesses to Crush on Putin After Helsinki Summit

Humour

EXCLUSIVE! Trump Confesses to Crush on Putin After Helsinki Summit

Illustration: Arati Gujar

US President and suspected baby in a man’s body, Donald Trump, absolved Russia of all allegations of interfering in the US presidential elections that brought him to power. Trump shocked everyone present at the summit by siding with Russia and not the American investigating agency, FBI, over charges of spying and the subsequent indictment of 12 Russian intelligence agents by the US.

The real action though happened immediately after the summit when both men were exhausted from lying convincingly and decided to go out and paint the town red, like the Russian government during a crackdown on non-violent protests. After eating donuts, evident from the powdered sugar smeared on their upper lips and ties, both men decided to play a game of truth or dare over vodka and caviar.

The first spin went to President Putin, who obviously chose dare and was asked to fight a bear, which he did, after saying, “In Soviet Russia, bear fight you comrade.” Trump later claimed Putin acted in self-defence, as the bear was armed and “libearal”.
The second spin went to President Trump, who chose truth. He was asked to pick between Stormy Daniels and FLOTUS Melania.

Trump immediately refused to comment, for fear of a hot mic and after repeated assurances and a few shots of vodka ’fessed up to liking neither woman. Instead, he admitted that he had a crush on President Putin. While Putin simply chose to blush, for the first time in history, finally displaying his emotions after years of keeping a straight face, Trump reiterated that Putin has always been his man-crush. He went so far as to say that the Russian premier is the reason he got into politics in the first place.

While Putin simply chose to blush, for the first time in history, finally displaying his emotions after years of keeping a straight face, Trump reiterated that Putin has always been his man-crush.

The American prez even admitted trying to talk like Putin, to which Putin said, “There is not enough coke in the US to freeze a face like mine on a daily basis, comrade.” Donald Trump vowed to increase his intake of ice-cold Coca-Cola in order to adopt Putin’s trademark poker straight face and thousand-yard stare.

As the bottle-spinning, vodka-drinking, and donut-eating continued through the night, sources close to both heads of state say this could further cement their beautiful friendship, and an opportunity to make Russia great again after its lacklustre performance during the Cold War.

Comments