EXCLUSIVE! Su Swamy Says Pastafarian Nexus Taking Over India


EXCLUSIVE! Su Swamy Says Pastafarian Nexus Taking Over India

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

Weedward and Bongstein went looking for White Castle when they accidentally walked into the Harvard University parking lot. Noticing that it was quite empty, they began a game of intense hacky sack because they had once seen people do it in a movie. Suddenly, they bumped into a morose Subramanian Swamy sitting on the hood of a SUV, looking like he really wanted to talk to someone. Fortunately, the world’s foremost journalists, displaying an exceptional nose for news, jumped at the opportunity to interview the man behind India’s favourite conspiracy theories. (But only after their game ended in a 1-0 win and a bloodied nose for Weedward.)

W&B: Sup Su Su. What are you doing out here on the street?

Swamy: I got kicked out of Harvard for spiking the whole room…

WB: That’s weird. We expected Harvard University to be more open-minded. We thought colleges were all about them drugz.

Swamy: …with gomutra.

W&B: Oh. Should have known. Anyway, you have prior experience in being thrown out of Harvard. What were you doing back here in the first place?

Swamy: I was going to give a speech on the Future of India because as you know well, the Congress has been looting the country for centuries. A nexus of Islamists-Christians-Flat-Earthers-Pastafarians is trying to take over India. And Iraq is getting extremely aggressive on the Eastern border.

W&B: Umm… pretty sure there’re a few countries in the middle. But you are in Harvard, so you must be right. Please go ahead.

(Swamy jumps up onto the hoods of two cars, and assumes an oratory pose.)

Swamy: Hear ye, hear all, I’m here to hold the first edition of Mandir ki Baat. The first order of business: “How Shah Rukh Khan collaborated with Irish rebels to wage war against Bandra Bandstand.”

W&B: Oooo.

Swamy: So as I was saying, I have unearthed a giant conspiracy that Hurricane Irma was started by a separatist channa-wallah in Nehru park because he is against our Hindu kulcha.

Swamy: And I have additional proof that the channa-wallah held secret meetings on the JNU campus with the deans of this very institute (Harvard), Karl Marx and Osama Bin Laden.

W&B: Wow. This is SHOCKING information that we totally don’t need to fact-check. We should hear what the authorities have to say about this.

Swamy: I am the authority, you bloody stoners. I am a lawyer and a politician and the fact that you two are standing so close to each other is making me uncomfortable.

W&B: What… why?

Swamy: Are you the gays?

W&B: Huh? All of them?

Swamy: I knew it, America is full of degenerates like you. That’s why I was kicked out of that room before chapter three of my meticulously researched speech, “Gay people are worse than racists and sexists because they have ruined my life.”

W&B: Wow, a whole chapter? What sort of research methodology did you use?

Swamy: Independent research. It is a corollary from my other theorem which proves that if gay people are allowed inside the parliament, then people will say they want to eat beef for lunch.

W&B: Umm, pretty sure people already say that. Anyway was there a central point to the speech?

Swamy: There was. If you stop interrupting me like a couple of foreign-funded protestors we can continue. First, what do you think about this plot?

W&B: What about it?

Swamy: It’s a pretty place, lots of greenery, and space for prayer…

W&B: We think we know where you are going with this…

Swamy: This place was never Harvard! It was originally a Shiv temple!

W&B: Are you sure it was gomutra they turned you out for and not Shiv’s prasad?

Swamy: The bloody rappers and Lady Gagas have run down our sacred mandir and built some stupid college here. Let’s set up the foundation of our new Shiv temple, the three of us. Come on chant with me, “Build that Wall! Build that Wall!”

As Weedward & Bongstein tried to distance themselves, a crowd began to gather and joined Swamy’s war cry. W&B, like any good journalists, realised that they had a story to file before their deadline and snuck out of the premises.