What Can Save a Sinking Mumbai? Elon Musk’s Thai Cave Rescue Submarine

Humour

What Can Save a Sinking Mumbai? Elon Musk’s Thai Cave Rescue Submarine

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

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his year’s monsoon has been auspicious for Mumbaikars, who otherwise must suffer through the non-festival Ashada month without any chuttis. It all started with a good ol’ bridge collapse in Andheri, which gave one half of the city a reason to stay home and still get paid. To the unlucky Mumbaikars who were feeling left out, the BMC’s Rain God heard your prayers and decided to deliver – fresh cracks were spotted on the bridge at Grant Road station, giving townies a good reason to sit at home and watch the rain bounce off their posh property.

The entire city may have been locked up in the confines of their panic rooms, but Mumbaikars won’t let go of that never-say-die spirit. They are spending their days nourishing themselves for the weeks of traffic to come, with a hot cup of ginger tea and an oilful of pakoras (the fried treats having become more easily available thanks to the current government’s pakora employment plan). For the first time in the city’s history, its infrastructure seemed to be working in the residents’ favour. That is until the arrival of ek faltu aadmi, Elon Musk.

Musk, who is not satisfied with sending cars into space, and being the dream of every boy who has ever walked into an IIT, has decided to be needlessly proactive here too. Days after he offered a kid-sized submarine to Thai authorities to help their cave rescue operation, sources say, the BMC might have ordered 50 of the same to help Mumbaikars commute this monsoon. To make things worse, Elon has assured the BMC that his engineers could have a number of these machines up in the time it takes for Ashutosh Gowariker to tell a story, meaning we’ll all be back at work in the next couple of days at least.

The BMC, which for years has been criticised for being lazy and doing nothing, was earlier cheered for their decision to close vulnerable bridges in Ghatkopar, Andheri, Vasai, and Malad. The call allowed most Mumbaikars to catch the early morning show of Sanju and take advantage of weekday discounts. After the BMC’s tie up with Musk, however, anger has been bubbling once again.

“This monsoon I had planned to avoid cholera so I could play carrom with my kids. Who the hell is Musk and why is our government is listening to him. I’ll only listen if Akshay Kumar tells me,” said a Mumbaikar who is spending his first Monday with his wife since their honeymoon seven years ago.

The BMC, which for years has been criticised for being lazy and doing nothing, was earlier cheered for their decision to close vulnerable bridges in Ghatkopar, Andheri, Vasai, and Malad.

The BMC released a statement yesterday saying Mumbai’s roads are almost identical to the labyrinth of caves where a young Thai football team has been trapped for the last few days. “Our roads are just like international roads,” said a BMC official. “Notice how similar the highway looks to the Thai caves. It’s a perfect fit, we have spent several thousand crores on this.”  

Members of Elon Musk’s crew pointed out that since this is a new and emerging technology, it should be tested out in developing countries. “This is a fascinating technology, which is not perfect for human use just yet. That’s why it is being tested in Mumbai, the home of infrastructure mishaps. The lives lost will give us an idea of how many of these submarines we should be rolling out by next year.”

The decision has since got the blessings of all major political parties in India, including Raj Thackeray, who has already announced that his men would be taking the submarine to work, but sure as fuck won’t pay any of the tolls.

Edited by Sagar S

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