Introducing the World’s Newest Power Couple: #DonJong

Humour

Introducing the World’s Newest Power Couple: #DonJong

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

T

he 12th of June will go down in history, along with the day when hell freezes over. This is the day golden shower enthusiast and architect of America’s downfall, Donald J Trump, had a sit down with the bipolar Pillsbury dough boy from Pyongyang, Kim Jong-un, to discuss the denuclearisation of the Korean peninsula, which was recently voted “Most Likely to start World War 3” by Lonely Planet.

This historic meeting has given defence analysts, political pundits and policy watchers a huge hard-on because there’s something cute brewing here — Donald and Kim’s high-profile first date. As far as hashtags go for this power couple, there’s the usual, boring #TrumpKimSummit doing the rounds, but such a high-profile coupling deserves a hashtag that leaves KimYe and Brangelina in the dust. How about the ghetto sounding #Krump? Or the funky, oddly sexual sounding #DonJong? There’s also the uber cute sounding #Kidon, but considering this is also the name of Mossad’s international kill squad, we’d best drop this diplomatic clusterfuck like the hot potato it is.

…such a high-profile coupling deserves a hashtag that leaves KimYe and Brangelina in the dust. How about the ghetto sounding #Krump? Or the funky, oddly sexual sounding #DonJong?

As first dates go, this one had all the signs of being a success, since the two already have so much in common — their aggressive stances on homosexuality, their inflated egos, their addiction to unbridled power, their affinity for offbeat hairdos, and their reputation for being more mad-dog than metrosexual.

With so much loaded in their favour, there was no doubt that they would hit it off. They probably started off talking about their favourite hobby, firing people. Kim Jong-un the only North Korean with access to international television and the internet probably grew up watching The Apprentice where Trump fires people faster than you can say Obamacare. Ever since, every time Kim presides over one of the North’s many executions, his cue to the firing squad is yelling, “You’re fired” in Korean.

Trump is also suspected to be a huge fan of Kim’s iron-fisted approach to leadership, evidenced by his regime’s recent move to displace illegal immigrants and place them in detention camps (something like North Korea’s infamous concentration camps, but with cable TV and fewer human rights violations).

Over an east meets west menu of roast beef short rib with potatoes dauphinoise, crispy sweet and sour pork with yang chow fried rice a dark decadent chocolate ganache tart with Haagen Dazs vanilla ice cream, they giggled maniacally, as genocidal teenagers do, over the fact that they could, by the end of dessert, obliterate the world multiple times over. So what if Kim doesn’t speak “American” and Trump doesn’t quite understand the myriad languages of “them orientals”? Phrases like, “build the wall” and “grab ‘em by the pussy” are universally understood.

I’m going to assume their date went well, considering we haven’t felt the heat blast from thermonuclear warheads on the back of our necks, but the only true indicator of the efficacy of a date is that brief bout of tongue hockey that happens just before both parties decided to bounce. With Trump announcing he’d like to meet Kim Jong-un many times, could this be the start of a beautiful friendship?

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