90% Decrease in Small Crimes After PM, Ministers Change Twitter Handles to “Chowkidar”


90% Decrease in Small Crimes After PM, Ministers Change Twitter Handles to “Chowkidar”

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

Days after half the country changed their job profile to “chowkidar”, a survey conducted by Public TV in partnership with ORM Garg agency, claims there has been a staggering 90 per cent decrease in crime across BJP-ruled states. A source said the results indicated that criminals are too worried to steal anything, in case they are confronted by PM Modi or a lathi-wielding member of his Cabinet.

We spoke to Atul Kapoor, the chief researcher on the project, who told us the data is not uniform across the country. “Gujarat, which has seen 120 per cent decrease in crimes, is the best performer, followed closely by Uttar Pradesh, which has stopped recording crimes altogether,” he said. “States like Odisha, West Bengal, and Karnataka, whose CMs haven’t changed their Twitter bios, have shown the least progress.”

“I would say overall that there has been a 90 per cent reduction in small crimes,” said Mr Kapoor drawing up some graphs for his first news debate with his brand new box of crayons. “This also says a lot about the success of Digital India. The states where 4G penetration is high, have shown the most progress.”

“We heard about a case from Lucknow, where one robber walked past a house with a broken main door, but still didn’t enter. In fact, he was so scared he actually fixed the locks before the owners returned,” Kapoor said, showing us grainy footage of the incident.

During his daily address to the nation, news anchor to the Gods, Mr Goswami said the money saved on security could now be used to buy two additional Rafale jets. “Pakistan will never dare to attack us now,” he yelled at his 16-member panel. “Our brothers, sisters, and chowkidars can finally sleep peacefully tonight,” Sambit Patra added, while calling the Prime Minister’s move, yet again, a masterstroke.

However, the “Main Bhi Chowkidar” campaign hasn’t brought achhe din to everyone. “Yesterday, five of my orders were cancelled,” said a famous CCTV camera supplier.