China Claims It Showed Masood Azhar’s Horoscope to Expert Panel; Believes He is Not a Terrorist


China Claims It Showed Masood Azhar’s Horoscope to Expert Panel; Believes He is Not a Terrorist

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

Unlike many products originating from the country, China has been very reliable and consistent toward its all-weather friend from Pakistan, Maulana Masood Azhar. For the fourth time in the last decade, it blocked yet another initiative by the United Nations Security Council to tag Masood Azhar as a global terrorist.

Sunil Gavaskar might not have gotten time to check Virat Kohli’s palm to predict whether India can win the 2019 world cup, but China claims it has done its homework properly. “We constituted an expert panel consisting of astrologers, palm-readers, and numerologists. The conclusion is that Masood Azhar is not even a local terrorist, forget tagging him a global terrorist,” said Lu Kang, a spokesperson for China’s foreign ministry.

Mr Kang displayed the output of a file which had a few million lines printed, all saying the same thing, “My name is Masood Azhar, and I am not a terrorist.” “It’s a little unfair that the world, specifically India, keeps insisting that we’re not branding Masood Azhar a terrorist, when the truth is, China has carried out extensive investigations into this,” Mr Kang told members of the United Nations Security Council. “We developed our own Artificial Intelligence-based system, and fed Masood Azhar’s details into it. You can see the output yourself.”

“But we still respect the UNSC and India’s sentiments. We will run this programme forever. If the output print ever says ‘Masood Azhar is a terrorist,’ let me assure you that we will take the strongest possible action against him,” Mr Kang said.

Reactions from the Indian side have been along expected lines. A leading politician, who does “kadi ninda” after every incident of terror, reiterated the two famous words four times. Chinese restaurants are getting bad reviews. India’s TV news missile man Arnab Goswami made adjustments to his monologue at the start of the show, and replaced “Pakistan” everywhere with “China”.