Main Nikla Victory Lap Pe: Sunny Deol’s Plans for Gurdaspur Be Like

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Main Nikla Victory Lap Pe: Sunny Deol’s Plans for Gurdaspur Be Like

Illustration: Reynold Mascarenhas

Sat Sri Akaal, I am the third member of my family to join politics. We’ve all seen the wonders of Papa Paaji and Hema Malini ji’s acting skills in Mathura. Let’s face it, we’re the only three that matter. DJ wale Bobby and Anonymous Esha aside, the BJP has always found a brilliant candidate in the Deols time and again. After all, the only leftist things in the Deol household are Bobby and my two feet.

I’m sure you probably can’t tell, winning my first election with 80,000 votes is a big deal for me. It’s my chance to make papa proud. I remember when papa was incumbent as the BJP MP of Bikaner in 2004. Ah! What a glorious time it was. The great Dharmendra being the MP of Bikaner was truly a life-changing event for the bhujia city. Sure, he remained absent for months before they could get a glimpse of him and it’s a shame that they voted him out after merely a year, but I know for a fact that Papa wanted to do so much more good for Bikaner from our home in Juhu. Much like Hema Malini ji. Like her, Papa is large-hearted. They do things, they just don’t remember them. Only if they had given him a chance. He’d have surely started working after five years. How tough is it to pose with a few farmers and drive a tractor?

Anyway, in case you were wondering, I will of course, be giving up my thriving career in Bollywood to pursue my political aspirations. It’s not like my siblings have the Himmat to shoulder a responsibility so prestigious. Like most actors in Bollywood, Bobby lacks the patriotic body of work to allow for a smooth transition into politics (If you’re reading this, Akshay, haha in your face!) and the less said about Esha, the better. Even, Abhay has become useless now that he has discovered Instagram and stopped coming for his customised hand-pump-uprooting coaching classes.

Just look at the spate of patriotic films I’ve done! Indian, Hero: Love Story of a Spy, Border, Maa: Tujhe Salaam, and Jaani Dushman. Before you point out that the last film wasn’t exactly patriotic, allow me to tell you that it ended Armaan Kohli’s acting career and that has been pretty beneficial to India, in my Yamla opinion. I’m a patriot through and through and anyone in my constituency who acts anti-national will be personally dropped to Lahore like I did in Gadar. And if you still doubt my love for the country, ask Nirmala Sitharaman ji. She thinks I’m young and a true poster boy for nationalism. See, yaara o yaara, it’s really simple. Joining a party run earnestly by a man the size of whose chest is 56 inches, was a no-brainer. With my dhai kilo ka haath, we are the beefiest party around, haha!

So I promise my policies will not just make them Ghayal, but also Ghayal Once Again.

That said, I’m not just a pretty face. A lot of people forget about my past experience in rural development. Rewatch that famous scene from Gadar: Ek Prem Katha and you will witness my hand-pump de-installation skills in full swing. I’ll also be available to my constituents whenever they need me, once or twice a month. Hema ji has even promised to lend me her private helicopter once every month to serve the good people of Gurdaspur.

Speaking of which, now that I have come to power, I will provide tareekh by tareekh progress reports to my constituents. MLAs have been known to make lofty promises like turning Mumbai into Shanghai but I am a simple man; I don’t intend on turning Gurdaspur into Kuala Lumpur. But by the end of my term, it will at least be a little more like Mahipalpur. Clean drinking water, accessible-ish toilets, roads, and most importantly, free DVDs of Singh Saab The Great to every resident of my constituency.

In closing, I’d just like to say that Gurdaspur should be excited. Needless to say Pakistan should be scared. I showed you in Border what I can do – walk into enemy territory with bombs and ammo. What can I say, I was the first to conduct surgical strikes in enemy territory. I will lead India to victory against all anti-nationals. And I promise my policies will not just make them Ghayal, but also Ghayal Once Again. Jai Hind, Jo Bole So Nihal

This is an updated version of a story published earlier.

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