By Damian D'souza May. 03, 2018
How will Cambridge Analytica bounce back? Well they could hawk all the data they’ve mined. For instance, sell the details of every person sharing inspirational, get-rich-quick quotes to Nigerian princes for a profit, who in turn can sell the data to McDonald’s, so they can run targeted “Buy One Get Diabetes” offers on Facebook.
After successfully swinging a presidential election and spying on all your meme-sharing on Facebook, data mining firm Cambridge Analytica has finally decided to call it a day. The former company has been at the receiving end of a media backlash after it secretly mined 87 million Facebook profiles to influence the outcome of the American elections, leading to the installation of Donald Trump in the White (supremacist) House. This resulted in investors, vendors, suppliers, unfriending the company IRL, which in turn caused the board to file for bankruptcy.
What are Cambridge Analytica’s options as of now? How does an organisation bounce back after pulling the corporate equivalent of screenshotting its SO’s texts and sharing them with its group of friends? Here are a few comeback strategies.
Wholesale Data Dealers
For starters, they could take a page out of the Marwari Uncle Business Guide and become wholesale data dealers. Considering they already possess terabytes of data on alt-right hate groups and neo-liberal beta cucks, any sale is a profit. Plus any good business man knows you can sell anything (even terabytes of information) for a throwaway price that ends in “99”. This isn’t a Bata chappal, but you shouldn’t let it slip(per) away! When used correctly, this data has the potential to transform lives. CA could collect the data they’ve saved of every person sharing inspirational, get-rich-quick quotes and sell them to Nigerian princes for a profit, who in turn can sell the data to McDonald’s, so they can run targeted “Buy One Get Diabetes” offers on Facebook.
…Cambridge Analytica could become every statistician’s guilty pleasure by changing its name to something more suggestive, like “DataDaddy.com”, “BonerByNumbers.net” or “PollHub.com”.
Dating App Moguls
Since its forte is finding and identifying fundamental nutjobs, CA could look into starting its own niche dating app for Nazi-sympathisers across the globe. If they decide to go with “Cuddle Alt-Right” for a name, they may even get to keep the abbreviation CA. Anyway, dating apps are the flavour of the season. CA’s dating app can promise that you’ll find a soulmate who wears khaki shorts, or has a seductive Swastika tattooed on their neck, without even having to attend a boring hate speech. It’s a dream come true!
Cambridge Analytica sounds like the name of a new-wave industrial noise band led by a shirtless clarinet player and a DJ that does “inspired” interpretations of classic jazz music by feeding political data through a computer model. Sounds complex doesn’t it? Since the definition of what passes for music these days is broader than Modiji’s legendary 56-inch chhati, don’t be surprised if, “Givin’ You All My Data Tonight” by Cambridge Analytica feat Justin Bieber becomes the most watched YouTube video of all time.
Given that PornHub is crushing the web traffic game by using data to its advantage, and slapping the suffix “-porn” on pretty much anything, Cambridge Analytica could become every statistician’s guilty pleasure by changing its name to something more suggestive, like “DataDaddy.com”, “BonerByNumbers.net” or “PollHub.com”. With categories like “DILF” (Data I’d Like to Formulate) and videos like “Binomial gets distributed by nerdy stud,” data porn is the most SFW fun nerds can have with their pocket protectors on.
Everyone from shoemakers to herbal vapists now sell their products directly on Amazon, and CA should be ON IT. Using the magic of dynamic pricing, CA could offer us, say, the “State Secrets” pack that comes with a new leak-proof feature. It essentially means the team that designed this package is sleeping with the fish. Then there’s Cambridge Analytica’s bestseller, the McAloo tikki to it’s McDonalds, the “Vote Swinger” bundle. Cambridge Analytica can make decent going-away money should they slap on a tagline that says, “It’s more fun with the other one”. I’d imagine the opposition parties of almost every country, led by our own, queueing up in a frenzy that’ll make the Freedom 251 buying spree look like a clothes sale at a nudist beach.
Damian loves playing videogames. If all the bounties he collected slaying zombies were tangible, he wouldn't need to write such bios. Seriously though, Damian used to be a cook who wrote, now he's just a writer who cooks.