By Damian D'souza Feb. 01, 2018
What if we spoke in Budget lingo throughout the year? “Hey, didn’t I see you at the LTCG parade?” “Sharmaji ke bete ko fiscal math mein 99 mile, aur tume sirf 98?”
Boyfriend: Let’s plan a populist budget right here in the kitchen. I can’t wait any longer.
Girlfriend: I don’t know. We could, but it’s that time of the month; I think we should exercise some fiscal prudence this time.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Dad: Well so, it’s complicated, not as complicated as say stock specific investments, but definitely more complex than stock picking in 2018 given all the overhangs from 2017.
Kid: But what if we work on the assumption that it is a very bottom-up market versus top-down, and midcaps and small caps have run ahead of large caps?
Dad: Who told you about that? It’s time to disconnect the damn cable.
Dealer: Kaunsa maal chahiye?
Buyer: Accha wala dena, yaar. Pichle baar wala jyaada fiscal deficit de raha tha.
Dealer: Yeh wala lo, mast mellow fiscal deficit dega. Woh finance ministry ke party mein apna hi maal jaata hai.
Yoga instructor: Okay, now raise your right arm and do a pro-farmer tilt. This will align your rural-development chakra and your vote-bank chakra.
Gym bro: Dude, I’m eating 16 egg whites for breakfast, and 200 grams of protein a day. Today I’m going to deadlift a family sedan. Gotta bulk up, bro, you know them short-term capital gains.
Dad: Par Sharmaji ke bete ko fiscal math mein 99 out of 100 mile, aur tume sirf 98?
Girlfriend: I’ll have a burger and a shake.
Boyfriend: Babe, order the salad. You should go on a diet, your tax slabs are showing.
Beta sunti ho, kal tumhe ladkiwale dekhne aayenge. Zara parlour jaake waxing, threading, aur fiscal cleansing karke aana.
Mom: Beta sunti ho, kal tumhe ladkiwale dekhne aayenge. Zara parlour jaake waxing, threading, aur fiscal cleansing karke aana.
Cricket commentator: That ball glided past silly point like its glide path was dictated by the NK Singh committee itself.
Guy: Hey man, didn’t I see you at the LTCG pride parade?
Guy: No man, you’re mistaken.
Stoner friend: Hey man, you should smoke weed to ease your economic stress?
Me: No, thanks man; it gives me a heavy fiscal deficit.
Me: Bhaiya, Andheri East.
Auto driver: Long-term capital gains wala bhada hai; lekin highway bahut jam hai.
Me: Andheri East chaloge?
Auto driver: Nahi sahab, woh humare growth ke reverse trajectory mein hai. Ulta padega.
Newspaper headline: Cessual Assault Continues to Rise in Delhi Despite Demonetisation
Gabbar: Arré o Samba, sarkar kitna tax revenue bounty rakhe hai hum par?
Samba: Sarkar, puré pachaas hazaar.
Doctor: Looks like an ab-cess. Don’t worry, the government will probably waive it as soon as it’s ab goals are met.
Christian Gray: I’m a dominant, which means I’m always in control.
Anastasia Steele: Well, I guess that makes me a subsidy. Feel free to use me any way you like. Abuse me Mr Gray, abuse me like I’m the PDS, and you’ve got a fake orange ration card.
Husband: Okay, I think I’m ready for cess.
Wife: Hold on, I’m not in the mood, how about you play with my capital a little bit to stimulate my economy better, like our therapist told us?
Damian loves playing videogames. If all the bounties he collected slaying zombies were tangible, he wouldn't need to write such bios. Seriously though, Damian used to be a cook who wrote, now he's just a writer who cooks.