By Nihal Bambulkar Jul. 13, 2018
The civic body said that Mumbaikars should be grateful to them for not repairing potholes. How else would the city get its anthem: “Mumbai, tula BMC var bharosa nai kai?”
It’s been days since the sun shone on Mumbai. The city has witnessed action-packed days of torrential rains with collapsing bridges, flooded tracks, road accidents, and water-borne diseases, enough to draw Twitterati’s attention away from Sacred Games and focus on holding the civic body accountable for the city resembling Water Kingdom.
The hashtag #BMCvsMumbai started trending, as Mumbaikars began demanding a press conference where they could air their grievances. The municipal body took a leaf out of Mumbai Police’s playbook and made sure their social media clapback was sufficiently lit. The BMC chief accepted the call for a press conference with a tweet from the official BMC account that said, “Jo jeeta woh sikandar. Jo haara woh pothole ke andar #SpiritOfMumbai #BMC4PM #ChallengeAccepted”
What follows is a transcript of the press conference, where the reasons for Mumbai’s annual Armageddon were made much clearer.
Man in a cast: Why were no repairs made to the Andheri bridge which collapsed?
BMC chief: Here at the BMC we live by the middle-class philosophy, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” We’d much rather play chor-police with the illegal hawkers outside Bandra station. That’s way more fun than your petty bridge issue.
Nirav Modi look-alike: Even after we pay taxes through our nose, we see the same dismal roads and traffic jams each year. Why do you insist on acting like such potholes?
BMC chief: First of all, calling someone a pothole is inappropriate. We intentionally avoided fixing the rising number of potholes so that citizens like José Covaco and RJ Malishka could use them to create massy content. How else would Mumbai get its anthem, “Mumbai, tula BMC var bharosa nai kai?”
The plastic ban was a ploy to distract activists like you from blaming us for the clogged drains. Remember how we tricked everyone into believing that gutka was banned but the red trails never left the wall?
The song allowed citizens to do what we do every year – laugh at potholes while sitting in office. Also, with PM Modi’s newfound passion for fitness, our priority is to get Mumbai on its feet. With gaping potholes threatening to swallow your car, people will resort to walking. After all, health is wealth. But this doesn’t mean you can stop paying taxes. We still need the money for reasons I can’t divulge.
Concerned Bandra Citizen: Despite the implementation of the ban on plastic, poly bags still choked up the drains. Why?
BMC chief: The plastic ban was a ploy to distract activists like you from blaming us for the clogged drains. Remember how we tricked everyone into believing that gutka was banned but the red trails never left the wall?
Congress Representative: Clearly, being prepared for the monsoon is not your job. What exactly does the BMC do?
BMC chief: Whatever you think, the truth is the BMC always stood for “Baitho, Masti karo, Chai piyo”, which is our mission statement and philosophy. The only thing we are guilty of being unprepared for is all the questions at this conference. Very frankly, it has not been Ajoy meeting you all.