A Blueprint of Prayagraj: Dedicated Cow Tracks on Roads, Hate Speech Competition for Citizens

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A Blueprint of Prayagraj: Dedicated Cow Tracks on Roads, Hate Speech Competition for Citizens

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

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ow that Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Yogi Adityanath has decided to rename Allahabad to Prayagraj, the city is expected to become the home of modern-day Hindu culture. We got exclusive access to Adityanath’s blueprint for Prayagraj and our assessment is that Prayagraj will be the smartest city the government has developed so far.

The CM’s plan is futuristic. Sources tell us that a year ago, Adityanath closed 20,000-odd cases involving politicians and criminals in Uttar Pradesh. This only means, as of its inauguration, that the newly named city has a 100 per cent crime-free record. “It’s a new city, let’s start on a clean state,” said a bureaucrat, who carved out a masterplan for Prayagraj on a rock.

The law-and-order situation is about to drastically improve in Prayagraj. “We have assembled a number of very experienced anti-Romeo vigilantes to handle this portfolio. Candidates were judged on their cumulative performance over the last two years and if he could quote from the Manusmriti,” he said.

But the real test is just about to begin. Christmas and New Year’s Eve are coming up, followed closely by Valentine’s Day and Holi. “Wage hikes and promotions for the officers will depend on how many couples are forced to marry during this period,” said the head of the Anti-Romeo Squad, who has “Pyaar Ek Dhoka Hai” tattooed on his arm.

For fun, residents are encouraged to take up one of Prayagraj’s many non-violent activities, including staring at white people, converting minorities, and practising hate speeches.

In the middle of the public area, under a hoarding showing Yogi Adityanath holding two thumbs up, was a saffron map with signs pointing to the closest gaushala. “As you can see, there are dedicated cow tracks on the roads, and every house has to have a compulsory gaushala. To get government benefits, all they have to do is submit a selfie with a cow,” Mr Gai Ritchie, in-charge of promoting cow tourism in the state, explained.

For fun, residents are encouraged to take up one of Prayagraj’s many non-violent activities, including staring at white people, converting minorities, and practising hate speeches.  

No theatre in Prayagraj is allowed to show any Shah Rukh, Aamir, or Salman Khan movie. However, a minister in the Yogi government confided, “Jinhe dekhana hai, woh beshak Pakistan ja sakte hain.” On Day 1 after the name change, a massive altercation broke out in the city. “A sweet seller had Mysore Pak on display, which is against the rules of Prayagraj. Any word that has “pak” in it must be banned from this township,” a passer-by named Deepak Tiwari explained, before he was escorted out of the city himself.

Sources tell us that Allahabad’s most famous face, Amitabh Bachchan is updating the name of his birthplace in all his certificates. “I was writing a long letter to my granddaughter about #MeToo, but it was so boring. I thought I’d do all this paperwork first,” Mr Bachchan said.

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