In the Battle for Bitcoin, Cats Are the Winners


In the Battle for Bitcoin, Cats Are the Winners

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

Cryptocurrency has been one of the riskiest investments and the financial world has been speculating wildly. The Supreme Court has set aside an RBI circular which barred banks from being involved in cryptocurrency trading. Cryptocurrency has always attracted questioning from the logical to the absolute bizarre. Will Bitcoin hit the $50k mark? Could it really cause an energy crisis? Is this another dotcom bubble? (Hipsters will call it a tulip bubble!) Are Ripple and Ethereum emerging cryptocurrencies or characters from Deadpool 2? What the fuck is mining? Am I going to have to dig for my money in some neoliberal Disney-sponsored dystopia? This is not the context in which I want to hear the phrase “hi ho”.

The cryptobro network is producing endless questions, from the incisive, to the hysterical, to the downright inane, but few concrete answers. Even your friends are talking a big game about cryptos with alarming confidence and annoying regularity.

“It’ll crash by March.”

“It’s the new gold!”

“What do you think of my crypto start-up?”

“Bitcoin is all chutiyapa.”

“Don’t block my chain, bro.”

It’s enough to make you throw up your hands and invest in Dogecoin for the lulz (and you wouldn’t be the only one). A better option would be just throwing up. Clearly, nobody knows what’s really going on in the world of cryptocurrency. But since when has abject ignorance stopped dudebros from rambling on with supreme authority? Even the Elephanta Caves show Shiva telling Parvati that she needs to drop all the avatars and focus on her personal brand.

Fear not. If you’re tired of the cryptobros and their constant stream of cryptocrap, I have found an innovative solution to this clusterfuck. It hinges on the single most disruptive force on earth: Cats! The so-called experts can’t seem to agree, your friends have never been the type to give you good financial advice, and you’re more likely to successfully perform brain surgery on yourself than understand Bitcoin at this point in your life. What have you got to lose by having a cat as your cryptocurrency broker?

We need leaders who aren’t afraid to take risks, and who won’t subsequently bore us senseless with TED Talks about taking risks.

My story begins with Orlando the Feline Stockbroker. This successful business cat chose a 2013 stock portfolio by throwing his toy mouse at his picks. He was competing against British news weekly The Observer’s entire team of seasoned stockbrokers. Every quarter, they would re-evaluate, and by the end of the year Oscar and his mouse had casually beaten the pros by hundreds of pounds. In this brave new world of crypto, where everything is made up and the points don’t matter, we need this kind of strong, reliable intuition. We need leaders who aren’t afraid to take risks, and who won’t subsequently bore us senseless with TED Talks about taking risks. Sample quote: “Leap and the net will appear… and if you break your neck, you die a hero.”

I’m tired of shovelling my way through all this self-aggrandising bullshit. It’s time to take a stand against dudebros who plan their finances from r/cryptocurrency. Never mind the hand-wringing over South Korea’s crypto ban, or the breathless anticipation for JioCoin. I want to see ruthless visionaries who don’t give a fuck about people’s stupid opinions. Or people in general. In short, I want a legion of DGAF kitties to show us how to handle the currency of the future! Not only do cats have a proven track record in investment, they are masters of chaos. They thrive in confusion and where it doesn’t exist, they create it. They know what it’s like to be burned with witches one day and be social-media darlings the next. How could they fail to understand the fickle nature of cryptocurrency?

Besides having the temperament and experience, cats can perform incredibly complex trend analyses, unlike that one guy from Tinder who won’t shut up about Ubiq but is still confused about why you don’t talk to him anymore. Consider Oscar the Therapy Cat, who shot to fame in 2007 because he was able to predict which patient at his Rhode Island hospice would die next. Okay, so maybe he was a furry harbinger of doom, I’m ready to take mercy killing over another thinkpiece about the virtues of decentralisation. Cats like Oscar and Orlando will be our CAs in an economy that runs on cryptocurrency, determining its value through long, disquieting stares and the art of controlled mouse-throwing.

Let’s face it. Since the inception of the internet, cats have been the de facto rulers of the digital world. You’ve got Instagram celeb cats and celeb’s cats on Instagram; Nyan Cat, and Grumpy Cat; breaded cats and cats that look like Hitler. Our fatal mistake has been trying to take charge of cryptocurrency when it should be left to the experts. Maybe we need our feline friends to save us from ourselves, or at least from the cryptobros’ rat race to the bottom. They’ll even break the finance glass ceiling because, well, it’s made of glass and they’re cats. What else did you expect?