Kim Jong-un, Kangana, and KJo Walk into the Bigg Boss House


Kim Jong-un, Kangana, and KJo Walk into the Bigg Boss House

Illustration: Akshita Monga / Arré

It’s that time of the year again when we as a nation get together and take a break from living our lives to watch other people living their lives. Bigg Boss is back with its 11th season and not only do we have the token tantric baba and white person in the house, we also have “celebrities” like Priyank Sharma and Sapna Choudhary. We might even have had a Pearl Puri this year. If you are like me, you are, at this point, probably asking yourself why the human race exists, and if Pearl Puri is even a real name.

The show that claimed to feature the who’s who of the entertainment world has now been reduced to the “Who’s that?!” of randomness. Some of the celebrities over the last few seasons have been so obscure that when you search them, Google’s response is “I have no clue.” If watching unknown people threaten each other was my idea of entertainment, I’d move to Gurgaon.

When we are living in a world where reality is far more fascinating than any reality show, it’s going to take more than a house full of Pearl Puris (seriously, who is she?) to keep me entertained for four months. Here’s my top list of special crazies I’d pay good money to see locked up together.

Honeypreet Insan: Philanthropist, director, editor, actress, masseuse, Honeypreet Insan is a powerhouse of talent. Given a chance, she could have played all the 10 characters on Bigg Boss, shot the show, edited it, been the host, as well as the audience. It’s just a gift that runs in the family. Everyone in the Bigg Boss house is an Insan, but ironically, it is the Insan who has super-human abilities. If she survived in Babji ki Gufa, she can definitely survive in the Bigg Boss House.

Kangana Ranaut: The woman who sent half of Bollywood into a meltdown with just a single word — nepotism — gets my next vote. Her Aap Ki Adalat episode was Hrithik Roshan’s biggest hit in two years. We can count on Kangana to dial up the chaos in the house by demanding equal tasks between the male and female contestants, and advising Honeypreet on how to leak emails exchanged with Papaji, and give at least three-hour interviews on the subject if she wants to be a good feminist and promote her next movie, both at the same time.

The show that claimed to feature the who’s who of the entertainment world has now been reduced to the “Who’s that?!” of randomness.

Arnab Goswami: Having 10 other people to yell at 24X7, is Arnab Goswami’s wet dream, which kind of makes him an obvious candidate. Arnab will immediately blame the Congress government for the dirty toilets and untidy garden in the Bigg Boss House and unleash his TRP-smashing investigative journalism inside the house to cover who uses which brush and which side of the bed people sleep on. The occasional rain, snow, hurricane or even volcano isn’t going to bother Arnab, who is a journalist par excellence for all seasons.

Shashi Tharoor: When Shashi Tharoor is not busy confusing folks on Twitter with his vocabulary, he is busy convincing us that the British are the reason for our ruin. A master orator, the only thing Shashi hasn’t been able to convince India is why Rahul Gandhi deserves to be the next prime minister. But can he convince Arnab to speak at a volume where the Bigg Boss viewers don’t go deaf?

Karan Johar: Karan Johar’s controversies have been bigger hits than his movies of late. From the high of being lauded for his autobiography to the low of being accused as the “torchbearer of nepotism”, Karan Johar has found it difficult to stay away from the news over the last few months. Not to mention, the dreaded F-word — Fawad Khan. Having Karan and Kangana together in the same room again will be Bollywood’s equivalent of The Rock vs Stone Cold on WrestleMania.

Kim Jong-un: North Korea’s supreme leader who frequently threatens to nuke the world and is the proponent for the haircut that Salman Khan made famous in Tere Naam, would make for a great No 6. Kim should be in charge of framing rules in the Bigg Boss House. After having his deputy minister arrested for not “grieving enough” on his father’s demise, he is the only man who can order Arnab to communicate via sign language and shove an elaichi down Shashi Tharoor’s throat every time he uses a word longer than five letters.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Zlatan doesn’t enter the Bigg Boss House. Zlatan is the Bigg Boss. Known for referring to himself in third person and not giving a shit about his haters, he’ll be in a house where a lot of people are going to give him shit. If Arnab thinks he can keep Zlatan quiet with volume, he’s got another think coming. After having conquered Spain, Netherlands, Italy, and England, can he conquer India as well?

Asa Akira: It is the unspoken golden rule of Bigg Boss that every season must have an item girl. If it is eye candy that people want on the show, it doesn’t get bigger than Asa Akira. From teenagers to old uncles, everyone in India is familiar with the award-winning adult film actress, having stored her videos in the “college project” folder of the hard drive. Boys and uncles across India will pretend to have never heard of her, but I can bet on my secret Pornhub premium subscription that they will keep tuning in every single night.

Sunil Pal: Sunil Pal has reached that stage of his career where people laugh at him and not at his jokes. Every season of the Bigg Boss must have one conservative character who aims to reach the sanskari levels of Swami Om. Sunil Pal is that guy. From going into an anti-gay tirade to shocking commentary on the comedy scene in India, Sunil Pal is the kind of guy who would lecture Asa Akira about what kind of clothes to wear or tell Kangana what kind of words a lady shouldn’t use. It is very well within the realms of possibility that he would conduct a havan in the House to cure Karan Johar of his “gay disease”.

Barkha Dutt: At this stage of her career, Barkha Dutt needs Bigg Boss more than Bigg Boss needs her. It would make for a nice 105-day break from the relentless hate that she gets online. Having Arnab and Barkha in the same House is like having Narendra Modi and Manmohan SIngh under the same room. The Bigg Boss House could be a great place for her to cement her already budding friendship with Kangana. Barkha and Kangana could be the next superhero duo like Batman and Robin who go around India fighting patriarchy and misogyny.

If you had this crazy mix of people together in the Bigg Boss house, you wouldn’t want anyone less than a God to host it, so the natural choice would be Morgan Freeman. Not only does he look smashing in a white suit, Freeman has the most recognisable voice on the planet. After all, you’re not worthy of hosting Bigg Boss if children don’t walk up to you and say, “Uncle please Bigg Boss wali awaaz nikaal ke dikhao na.”