Before Changing Agra’s Name, Must Decide Universal Spelling of Agarwal: UP Govt

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Before Changing Agra’s Name, Must Decide Universal Spelling of Agarwal: UP Govt

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

The UP government, which has been renaming cities faster than Virat Kohli has been churning out centuries, has added Agra to the list. However, sources in the government say that it has been grappling with one major issue before it goes ahead with its plans to rename the home of Taj Mahal.

“Is it Agarwal, Aggarwal, or Agrawal,” asked a senior UP minister. “We have to be absolutely sure which one we should use before we make our decision. We cannot risk offending any sentiments.”

“Even stealing the odd-even scheme from Delhi might not work. If the name has to be kept on a rotation basis, it’ll have to be changed on a weekly basis to cover all 50 spellings of Agarwal,” the minister said. “It’s a lot to consider…”

The state government says it doesn’t want to take any risks before the general elections, and has appointed a high-level committee comprising of the country’s finest Agarwal, Aggarwal, Agrawals, and Shashi Tharoor to try and break the deadlock.

Meanwhile, not satisfied with simply changing the name of the city, the CM has decided that the Taj Mahal will have to go too.

Unperturbed by this setback, chief minister Vin Diesel has reached out to his fans in an attempt to crowdfund alternative names for the city. He announced that the government would be accepting entries on his app, which has two main categories on display: “cow” and “city names”.  

“Do you know a lot of ancient-sounding words? Are you wearing saffron? Do you think it should be the priority of a government to change the names of cities while ignoring filth and misgovernance? If yes, then you should join our campaign to rename Agra now!” the post reads.

“If we like your suggestions, we promise to cover the one-year maintenance cost of your gaushala. In addition, you will get special access to the CM’s newsletter, which lists out all the ways you can accidentally get murdered in UP,” the minister said.

Meanwhile, not satisfied with simply changing the name of the city, the CM has decided that the Taj Mahal will have to go too. “He has asked me to officially rename the Taj Mahal, the Tejo Mahalaya, as a New Year gift to the public,” said another senior minister, sitting on the shoulders of a labourer so he didn’t have to put his feet on the ground.

With this, the minister added, the government will have completed the first round of name changes. “For now, our party president has asked us to save some good work for the next term.”

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