Baba Ramdev Makes Patanjali Petrol at ₹35; Powerful Enough to Launch Chandrayaan-2

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Baba Ramdev Makes Patanjali Petrol at ₹35; Powerful Enough to Launch Chandrayaan-2

Illustration: Arati Gujar

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s of today, there is no reason for ministers like Ramdas Athawale to feel guilty about not paying for petrol or diesel. Baba Ramdev and his associate Acharya Balkrishna have announced at a press conference that Patanjali has created a new “miracle” product that would act as a cheaper substitute for petrol, gomutra, fairness cream, and lubricant. The new liquid is said to be powerful enough to launch Chandrayaan-2.

“We had come up with a plan to make our own petrol years ago, following a lengthy shavasana session,” the Baba announced, raising his leg up behind his shoulders for effect. “We realised something had to be done for the people who have been struggling to find ways to defend the Modi government and the rising fuel prices.”

The suspiciously green liquid, which one reporter described as the colour of Jadoo’s blood, was launched alongside other new products like “Baba Ramdev’s All New Rupee Note (now worth 10 rupees), and Baba Ramdev’s new book “How I Made Billions Off You LOL!!”

Sources say up to five litres of Patanjali petrol can be poured into a customised kit, which in turn can be fixed to a vehicle of your choice, including bullock carts, and cycle rickshaws.

“Five litres of this liquid can take you further than the prime minister has travelled in the last four and half years,” the Baba announced, before revealing the tagline of the new fuel – “Baba ji ka hai yeh tel, baaki sab hai fully fail” – to a group of cheering bystanders.

This miracle liquid is open for pre-order on its own exclusive e-commerce website from midnight tonight.

“All ingredients were Made in India,” said Acharya Balkrishna, who went on to claim that seven lakh types of grass, the blessings of bhagwan, and a few secret jadi buttis he had lying in his passport thaili, were used to create the wonder fuel.

“It’s also a great alternative for gomutra, since it doesn’t have to come from the cow but smells just as bad,” Baba added. “If you take quarter spoon of this liquid, mix with Patanjali pure ghee, and ultra-pure honey every morning, you can challenge Sushil Kumar inside wrestling ring by the end of the week.”

Toward the end of the press conference, the Baba claimed that the miracle fluid is also a great substitute for “videshi lubricant,” which is currently making our country “full of the gays”.

“Using Patanjali’s pure 100% petrol/gomutra/fairness cream/lube, one can also convert themselves from homosexuals to NoMo-sexuals in no time,” Patanjali CEO Acharya Balkrishna, said, who is clearly looking to capture a major chunk of $10 billion global lube market.

This miracle liquid is open for pre-order on its own exclusive e-commerce website from midnight tonight. Several TV reporters were nervous that the website might not survive very long, much like Ramdev’s messaging app Kimbho, but Ramdev said there would be no such issues provided they were using Patanjali sim cards.  

Meanwhile, Patanjali has grown from a 2-member R&D team, consisting of Baba Ramdev and Acharya Ji, and expanded hired a team of high-profile lawyers to file defamation suits against any person who leaves a bad review on the website.

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