Why Does Arvind Kejriwal Keep Getting Slapped?

Humour

Why Does Arvind Kejriwal Keep Getting Slapped?

Illustration: Reynold Mascarenhas

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elhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal got slapped again over the weekend, proving once more that his life is not very different from a Roadies audition. This time the Aam Aadmi Party chief was at a roadshow in Delhi, where he made the mistake of exposing his very slappable cheek in public. This lead to his ninth assault since becoming a politician and fifth in five years as chief minister of the national capital. It’s a shame, really, you’d have thought he would have invested in some decent face armour by now.

Considering slapping Kejriwal is “so 2015”, you probably feel a little bad for the chief minister this time, and maybe even argue that it’s unfortunate that this particular politician keeps getting assaulted in public. Unfortunately, you forget that you live in a country where top politicians regularly insult each others’ deceased fathers and accuse each other of being foreigners. Apparently, anything goes when there’s a general election at stake.

So while, social media might argue that this is assault blah, blah, blah, I suggest they hold off until they share the same passport as Akshay Kumar. Personally, I think, Kejriwal got what he deserved for being such an insufferable overachiever. I mean who the hell asked him to go around trying to “change the education system” and attempt to “fight pollution” with the odd-even scheme. Why can’t he just do his job like every other politician and tweet heartfelt condolences on Twitter when someone dies? Everything else is a job for activists and NGOs.  

Kejriwal had the option of being the kind of politician who travels the world in first class and promises desh ka vikas on apolitical interviews too. Instead, he chose to be the guy who decided to make electricity and water his main concerns. It’s frankly laughable. Imagine that, someone’s talking about electricity! In 2019! Ever heard of a bullet train, Mr IIT-ian? How about a hyperloop? No wonder people throw tomatoes in your face when you go around making promises. What are they supposed to do with water? Drink it?

Kejriwal had the option of being the kind of politician who travels the world in first class and promises desh ka vikas on apolitical interviews too. Instead, he chose to be the guy who decided to make electricity and water his main concerns.

While some of our politicians have moved on to defying science with alt-cures for cancer and alt-theories for evolution, and others spend years perfecting the art of making statues of themselves, Arvind Kejriwal spends too much time talking about public schools and worrying about threats to his life. Dude, no matter how much you tinker with the education system in Delhi, it’s never going to make a difference. Just build a mandir already. Also maybe you wouldn’t get inked, Mr CM, if you weren’t too lazy to come up with an acronym once in a while or screaming an out-of-context “Rafale!” every few days.

Meanwhile, I have some serious whataboutery to get off my chest. I’m sure these same people defending Kejriwal today don’t remember the “Great Slapping Epidemic of 1961” when our first prime minister Jawaharlal Nehru and his entire political party went around slapping everyone in Opposition. Obviously, when it’s Congress doing the slapping, it doesn’t matter. Where was the outcry then? Or were you too busy enjoying your wine and cheese to even notice?

According to official statistics sourced from an account followed by the PMO on Twitter, one in every 1000 Indians is slapped every second of the day. But you don’t see all of them complaining about it. Especially not going around asking for votes, and blaming the Prime Minister.

If I were Arvind Kejriwal, I’d be proud that someone cared enough to come to my rally and bless my face with their hand. But sadly, not all politicians can be Kejriwal. Some of them have death threats to deal with.

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