By Arré Bench Jan. 19, 2018
The Definitive Health Guide of 2018 promises to be as obfuscating and self-contradictory as the previous one million health studies released last week. Including these three health hacks in your life will lead to an 82 per cent increase in your societal status.
ore people than ever before have entered the new year resembling lumps of cooking margarine, prompting scientists from around the world to present a groundbreaking study on diets. The Definitive Health Guide of 2018 promises to be as obfuscating and self-contradictory as the previous one million health studies released last week. It boasts of a sample size of all the people who were at the McDonald’s down the road at the time. Details of the study were made public after a week of intense deliberation between two demi-gods, who, other scientists are predicting, will live until they are 200, because they know the secret to slowing down the ageing process so well.
Leaves are basically clothes for plants, the authors noted, before confirming that they were the best things to eat this year. Juicing a multitude of these green leaves into your breakfast is now officially linked to at least an 82 per cent increase in societal status, and the number of people who refer to you as a “hipster fuck”. Eating leaves raw, however, is considered to be the most beneficial, since people will often mistake you for the revered cow. Which brings us to…
The study’s authors have apparently been influenced by the benefits of yoga, or the teachings of one Baba in particular (for ₹₹₹). The study mentions that doing a couple of Surya Namaskars while you feed your baby Nestlé Milk and smoke Marlboro Lights cigarettes increases chances of giving birth to three god-fearing children. The study also claims drinking fresh urine straight from a cow, after it is mixed with 250 grams of sugar, tastes almost like sugar, and hence increases your chances of bouncing off the walls in excitement. This in turn can be treated by eating a bit of raw opium, which doctors say brings down your energy levels almost as fast as death itself, and is sold at all outlets of the brand that was paid off in question.
2018. This is the year nuts come back into our lives, say the authors. Previous studies have linked eating walnuts (straight from the source) to increased chances of falling off a tree or being attacked by an animal. But our authors claim that this theory has been debunked by health scientists, who have observed a trend over the last few years involving people buying their nuts from stores now. The study now suggests that a daily dose of nuts can give you better hair, more wealth, and better-looking partners. Be sure not to eat even one extra badaam on Friday though, or you might increase the chances of cardiac arrest during a board meeting.
The authors of the study left behind a list of disclaimers that were longer than the tapeworm that prompted their pursuit of health in the first place. But they also concluded their study on a generally positive conclusion: “Eat what you want. We’re all going to die anyway.”