By Jackie Thakkar Mar. 22, 2018
We live in an age where 100 likes on a post or 500 followers viewing your Instagram story is akin to a breakthrough moment in therapy. And filters like Clarendon, Amaro, and X-Pro II are more therapeutic than sessions with Freud himself.
I imagine that at least once a year, Elon Musk, Tim Cook, and Mark Zuckerberg meet up for brunch, knock back some Jägers and talk about their plans for that year. Musk will boldly state, “This year, SpaceX will take man to Mars.” Not to be outshined, Cook will chime in with “.. And Apple will make the iPhone ever sleeker!” To which, Zuck casually asks, “Kya ukhaad loge! Mars pe log apna iPhone le ke Instastory hi post karenge na?” If you’re wondering when ’ol Zuck started speaking Hindi, it was probably around 2010.
And Marky Mark has good reason to brag too. As one of the most used social media apps in the world, Instagram has the power to uplift, spread hope and make the world a better place… Just kidding. Fuck all that. Everyone knows the real reason you use Instagram is to distract yourself from the turmoil of your dreary existence while actually sliding deeper into depression. Here are five Instagram filters to help you slay at the masking-anxiety-with-social-media-prowess game:
Sometimes, all you need is a good cry. Other times, the Clarendon filter will have to do. Your painfully symmetrical plate of anda bhurji looks more like “scrambled eggs with sauteed spring onions and authentic Indian spices” through the lens of this tasteful filter. Be sure to add some vintage cutlery on the side for extra hipster cred. Don’t worry about low lighting because Clarendon’s pink-pastel tones and subtle vignettes are strong enough to brighten even the dullest photograph. Still not strong enough to brighten your gloomy-ass disposition though.
There’s no better distraction from your crippling anxiety than the artistic dichotomy of bright yellow lillies in a vase. Presented in black and white. Often associated with pretentiousness, this almost-filter works like a charm to convince followers of your edgy aesthetic. Who cares if you had a meltdown in the middle of a client-briefing this past week? Nothing that 23 likes and a comment that says “wow this is amaze please check my page for more followers” can’t fix.
Gingham’s main purpose is to make your images look less lively and more depressive. Much like your purpose at parties. The filter strips your photograph of its colour and gives it a vintage, grainy texture. Making it a perfect fit on pictures of your cousin’s pug. Supplying your followers’ timeline with this explosion of cuteness is your best bet to get them to forget about that time you went live while drunkenly bawling on the bathroom floor. Remember, you aren’t depressed. You are a tortured artist who is living with the curse of being way ahead of their time.
Nashville, the most neglected and least preferred filter among Instagram users, is what Instagram came up with when asked to make a filter based on your dating history. However, despite it’s bad track record, it remains a great choice for any #ThrowbackThursday post since it’s creamsicle colour adds a glorious touch to past memories, making them seem like happier times. So what if you were just as miserable even back then? Flaunt those 2014 vacation pictures and don’t forget to add #TakeMeBack in the caption. Add Location “Rajesh Resort, Mahabaleshwar” so they don’t know that the hashtag is actually a subtle plea to your ex.
The sunny hue that the Valencia filter adds to your selfies will make you seem like a well-adjusted, wholesome person. And also overshadow the fact that you stress-ate two Maharaja Macs the last time your post got single-digit likes. You might be a needy, broken mess. But with Valencia’s knack for making even the most delicate colors appear more prominent, your fragile ego will come across as headstrong and self-assured. Follow this up with deep Lana Del Rey lyrics in the caption and remind your parents you just saved them ₹3000/hr on therapy.