By Jackie Thakkar Feb. 23, 2018
Humblebragging is an art. It requires the person to convey their soul-crushing need for validation and simultaneously showcase their inherent whininess. For example: “I hate that I’m so pretty! Nobody pays attention to what I’m saying.”
Scientists have discovered a fascinating species which possesses a special kind of talent: It can bemoan its existence while simultaneously sowing seeds of envy in the minds of its friends. They are the Humblebraggers.
Those who encounter humblebraggers, at first feel sorry, but eventually they unravel the layers of ignorance and vanity in which the humblebraggers’ ego is neatly wrapped and their mindset can be comparable to this clenched-fist meme from Arthur.
To ensure that you are better equipped to deal with these mindfucks, here are five types of humblebrags you’re likely to hear.
“Dude! You have no idea how boring Paris can get on the 18th visit.”
This beret-wearing specimen is the true scum of the earth. They have posted Instagram selfies from all seven continents and yet possess little more personality than a garden snail. They claim to be cultured and “really into travel” but have, on multiple occasions, asked cab drivers if Kalina is some form of venereal disease. Their parents refer to them as the “easy-going one” and have secretly written them out of their will. They are the reason fidget spinners became a rage. They will most likely be killed with a shovel before they turn 40.
“I hate that no matter how much I eat, I just never put on weight. Ugh.”
This basket-case sociopath has abysmally low self-esteem and knows full well that they have no chance of scoring a lay with their personality. Since their body is all they’ve got going for them, they do whatever they can to bring up their waist size (which is almost always the same as their IQ). Nevertheless, they are usually harmless and will wander off into a corner of the party once someone gives them validation in the form of, “I’m so jealous of your metabolism ya!” For some people, their genetics are all they have.
Despite being 33, they still manage to somehow bring up that they studied abroad for that one semester.
“People keep saying, ‘I’m too good-looking to be this funny.’”
You will meet few people douchier than this one. Vain, entitled, and incapable of listening to a conversation that isn’t about them, this delusional being spends most of its self-obsessed existence looking in the mirror while never fully noticing the troll inside them. Despite being 33, they still manage to somehow bring up that they studied abroad for that one semester. Not to mention, they are into weird sex stuff and constantly insist on doing it in front of mirrors. If prodded, they will not remember the last time they orgasmed to anyone but themselves.
“Yaar! Papa bought me an E-Cig Company just to make me quit cigarettes!”
These Humblebraggers are likely to end up in rehab at some point in their life. Their friends still tolerate them because their hedonistic lifestyle makes for interesting gossip. These guys end up fucking up most of their relationships by simply being the hot mess they are. Their one redeeming trait is that they are surprisingly down to earth. Which is especially impressive when you consider that their parents gifted them an SUV for simply not being dead by the time they were 16. They also founded a “bootstrapped (read: Daddy-funded) start-up” at 21. Though this company calls itself a “digital agency”, it’s basically a glorified sweatshop that buys the lives of naive BMM graduates for under 1.5 lakh annually.
By the time they are 21, they use vague terms like “intuitive acumen” and “hyper-growth potential” in their Tinder bio. Yet, they’re incel af.