Arré Checklist: What Your Good Morning Whatsapp Says About You


Arré Checklist: What Your Good Morning Whatsapp Says About You

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

We’ve all been there. Being forced to reluctantly turn off our auto-download feature after the 57th “Good Morning” forward from the same uncle that week. Or coyly muting a particular group chat that buzzes through the day. Like BBM and Facebook before it, Whatsapp has also seen a sharp rise in their older user base over the last decade.

In fact, a Wall Street Journal study has found that sending Good Morning messages is our second biggest national pastime after getting offended. Users above a certain age will agree that the effortless “broadcast message” option on WhatsApp is a godsend. It allows people to finally feel like their opinion matters, no matter how baseless and juvenile. Whether you’re a Sanghi uncle with no chill button or an overly vela housewife, your preferred Good Morning Whatsapp Forward says more about your personality than you know. Excited to know which one of these four types you are?

1) Sunflower, setting sun and motivational quote

Hello, sir. How are the repressed sexual urges coming along? In case you didn’t get the memo, your display picture with you looking down into the camera with a blank stare, your quadruple chin hanging out in all its glory, is creepier than the closing minutes of most Black Mirror episodes. Start with changing that, along with your annoying habit of sending motivational broadcast messages to your entire list. No, it doesn’t matter if it’s a Thought Catalog quote or an old Jagjit Singh ghazal. Mixing it with mogra, roses or a goddamn dancing baby’s picture still makes it deplorable.

2) Picture of mithai with “Sweet Morning” inscribed on it

I’m sorry aunty, but really, no one wants to try your Jain Lasagna recipe. Please consider therapy. Speaking of which, take along your daughter, who likely has teenage depression thanks to your vile habit of constantly favoring your son over her. No amount of rangoli GIFs that you send her and her friends on Diwali can fix that.

Your mid-life-crisis-stricken arse is responsible for jamming most 16-32GB phones with 16-minute Osho videos.

3) Firecracker GIFs with “Embrace Life” quotes

You are a fucking psychopath. Your mid-life-crisis-stricken arse is responsible for jamming most 16-32GB phones with 16-minute Osho videos. You also wrongly believe that people’s idea of fun is racking their brains to figure out your juvenile riddles ending with “only 1 per cent people in the world can guess the answer. Reply if u r genius.” Your friends and family secretly worry that you will be pushed off a local train some day for simply being the ignorant twat you’ve always been. Also, stop sending your teenage nephews raunchy “non-veg” jokes and Photoshopped images of nude Bollywood actresses. Also don’t call them to ask why they aren’t replying.

4) Random picture of mountains with quote about the importance of family

Sir, aap WhatsApp ke rightist Twitter troll hain. You low-key judge everyone’s religion/career choice/sexuality/existence and have no filter when talking to people. Because of this, your family is often left red-faced at parties when you drunkenly blurt insensitive statements like, “You know na, Mahim mein you have to be careful of ‘those kind of’ people?” and “If you wear clothes like that, then boys will stare no?” Your pent-up need for locker-room talk and validation from other misogynists leaves you with no choice other than WhatsApp. Let’s not forget that your pathetic combover and gold chain makes you feel entitled enough to look down at minorities and guiltlessly forward news stories of Hindutva hate crimes.