By Kahini Iyer Feb. 27, 2018
Shih Tzu owners never wanted a dog, but want to fulfill their longing for an expensive, sentient stuffed toy, while a husky is the canine equivalent of a BMW. Both are excellent penis substitutes with vaguely unsettling Nazi connections.
Getting a dog is a big decision. But once you’ve made it that far, an even more important choice lies ahead: Which breed do you get? That depends on what you want to say about yourself. Are you a Husky hero or a Pariah person? Do you love dogs, or do you just hate people? Read on to find out what kind of dog owner you identify with. Here’s our definitive guide.
A husky is the canine equivalent of a BMW. Both are excellent penis substitutes with vaguely unsettling Nazi connections. Both are not only pointless but borderline cruel to parade around the potholed streets of Mumbai. This is a shame, because huskies in their naturally frigid habitat are an active, friendly breed. Unfortunately, Raju from Lokhandwala just wants a high-status pedigree that looks like a direwolf so he can feel like a Real Man. Wait until it chews the leather seats of his 6-series.
A stray-dog owner is like a vegan. Scratch that – a stray-dog owner probably is a vegan, and will let you know these two facts about themselves within six minutes of meeting you, regardless of whether you asked. Their “happy place” is Yoga House. They spend their Sundays volunteering at a shelter, organising a community cleanup of Carter Road, or teaching disadvantaged children how to read. Don’t ever add them on Facebook, unless you want to deal with a newsfeed full of Change.org petitions entitled “justice 4 mother ganga!!1”.
Can You Believe This Shih Tzu
Shih Tzu owners aren’t exactly dog people. They end up getting this breed not because they ever wanted a dog, but to fulfill their longing for an expensive, sentient stuffed toy. Although they don’t look the part, Shih Tzus are actual animals with bodily functions, and they live up to their name. It’s a good thing they are both photogenic and very patient, so they make the best Instagram models. At least, until their owners lose out on followers to a cross-eyed cat. This is how Shih Tzus end up begging on the streets.
Labs and retrievers of all colours have a well-deserved reputation for being the jolliest breeds. You might think that their owners would be similarly cheerful souls, but you would be wrong. Because labs are like Prozac in doggie form, they attract the broken and damaged from all walks of life. Lab owners are usually the downtrodden and careworn middle-class, juggling the stresses of family and work while caught under the slowly grinding wheel of capitalism. These walking suicide risks teach us that no matter what, everyone deserves a friend.
Lab owners are usually the downtrodden and careworn middle-class, juggling the stresses of family and work while caught under the slowly grinding wheel of capitalism.
Band Baaja Beagle
Are you unbothered by loud, foghorn-like noises? Do you fucking hate your neighbours? Not just the ones in your building, but every undeserving SOB who ever set foot on your block? Congratulations, you must be a proud beagle owner. These misanthropes are only slightly less obnoxious than their dogs, and significantly less cute. Beagle owners are basically anarchists who walk among us, pretending to be ordinary functioning members of society. Don’t be fooled.
Of course, there are more than five types of dogs to choose from and the variety can be mind-boggling. Perhaps we should look to the cat people – the only ones smart enough to stay out of the city’s perpetual doggie road show.
Kahini spends an embarrassing amount of time eating Chinese food and watching Netflix. For proof that she is living her #bestlife, follow her on Instagram @kahinii.