By Kahini Iyer May. 18, 2018
Meghan Markle is an outsider. Not only is she a commoner, she’s a clueless import from across the pond which gave birth to McDonald’s. The royal wedding is going to be a brutal affair, but she can totally own it if she keeps an eye out for Piggy Chops attempting to steal her thunder.
The royal wedding is around the corner, and after months of obsessive speculation, Prince Harry of Wales and American TV star Meghan Markle are finally getting hitched.
It’s been a wild ride, more so because Meghan is not your typical, garden-variety royal bride. Overnight, the British media has turned into a prejudiced padosan, tut-tutting over Meghan’s biodata and speculating over her origins and intentions until the Palace released a fuck-off statement.
There’s no denying that she is an outsider. Not only is she a commoner, she’s a clueless import from across the pond which gave birth to McDonald’s. Her family is middle-class and middle-American, unlikely to know or care which fork should be used for the halibut, or how to wear a fascinator (or even what one is). Even with Kate giving her sartorial advice, royal protocol is more senseless and archaic than the legislative electoral system. She’s already broken a host of rules that she probably never knew existed and now she’s dealing with a joint family straight out of saas-bahu hell.
Lucky for the future Princess Henry (yes, that’s what she is going to be called), we’re here to help. We haven’t read Debrett’s Handbook back-to-front, but we know that royal protocol is largely based on precedent. Here are some handy tips for Meghan to ensure that she lives up to the unspoken but hallowed traditions of royal daughters-in-law.
A saas that is less dayan and more Diana
Meghan’s mother-in-law isn’t around to disapprove of her cooking skills, or gasp in slo-mo when she drops a spoon. But Lady Di left behind a gigantic pair for shoes to fill along with second-hand engagement rings. Some have claimed that Meghan will take over the mantle of the People’s Princess, since she’s done extensive charity work, promoting the rights of women and girls around the world.
Comparisons to Diana are par for the course, but Meghan should focus on forging her own identity within the fam. Which she already has by eschewing the disgusting fruit cake traditionally served at royal weddings. Go girl, have your cake and eat it too.
The Labour party
When the Duchess of Cambridge is your bhabhiji, you’ve got to bring your A-game whenever you leave the palace and venture into public. Meghan is used to the limelight and according to The Observer, her wardrobe choices might be selling out faster than Kate’s. British retailer Marks & Spencer has even changed their name in her honour, to read Markle & Sparkle. (Clearly, Brits absolutely suck with names.)
But when it comes to childbirth fashion, Kate wears the perfectly blow-dried coiffure. Like any perfect bahu, Kate has endured three gruelling pregnancies and still managed to be daisy-fresh. Meghan, the truth is have as many babies you want, but they are never going to make it to the crown. As long as you know that and you don’t disgrace the royal family by appearing in flat shoes post-pregnancy, you are covered.
If we’ve learned anything from Kate Middleton’s wedding to Prince William, and India’s bhabhi porn addiction, it’s that however close they are, you should keep your sisters out of the spotlight.
Wave at, don’t touch, the great unwashed
In a few years’ time, Meghan will become a UK citizen and have access to her husband’s multi-millionaire fortune. Still, Meghan is a one percenter in her own right. Newsweek estimates that she’s netted millions being the star of legal drama Suits. But in the UK class system, Meghan is a pleb, just like the low-born masses who will throng around her at every appearance and event. Her huggy, down-to-earth persona won’t do her any favours when Gazza from Basildon insists on dabbing with her for a selfie, or when a sticky child with a runny nose gets a lollipop entangled in her flawless mane. Unless she wants to perpetually be covered in the tears of overwhelmed fans and hints of bubonic plague, Meghan should take a cue from the royals by being so reserved that she can someday be replaced with a lifelike robot. Isn’t that the dream?
Show stops, Piggy Chops
If we’ve learned anything from Kate Middleton’s wedding to Prince William, and India’s bhabhi porn addiction, it’s that however close they are, you should keep your sisters out of the spotlight. Pippa Middleton’s rear ended up being at the forefront of the Kate’s special day. Meghan is already a step ahead, with none of her friends making it into her bridal party – and her siblings aren’t invited. Unfortunately, her sister has been hogging the limelight while her nephew develops a new weed strain he calls “Markle Sparkle”. Like all of us, Meghan, we know you can’t do much with family. But beware: The inclusion of scenery-chomping Piggy Chops is sure to create a Pippa Moment. Priyanka is a hard-as-nails vamp who’s used to starting drama at the drop of hat. Make sure she doesn’t relegate you to Deepika-at-the-Met-Gala status.
But let no one steal your thunder. The only Markle who sparkles tomorrow is you.
Kahini spends an embarrassing amount of time eating Chinese food and watching Netflix. For proof that she is living her #bestlife, follow her on Instagram @kahinii.