Horrorscopes: April is the Cruellest Month


Horrorscopes: April is the Cruellest Month

Illustration: Akshita Monga

Aquarius: An electric storm on Jupiter compromises your digital security. If you’ve recently travelled by air, your Aadhar details will be leaked a la Mahendra Singh Dhoni and your identity will become an alias for a nationwide drug-running racket.

Pisces: Avoid any nocturnal excursions in the coming weeks. A lunar eclipse is predicted, and the chances of you being mistaken for an African student in the confusion could lead to you being lynched by an irate, racist mob.

Aries: This is a good week to begin taking care of your fitness. The latest craze is ChappalFit, an exercise routine developed by the Shiv Sena. Its routine of vigorously thrashing airline employees with a chappal will work wonders for toning your arms.

Taurus: It’s been observed that Orion the Hunter has lowered his bow in the skies above Uttar Pradesh, which is the real reason for the closure of meat shops. It would be prudent to refrain from blaming the new state government for the lack of meat, thereby avoiding a beating.

Gemini: Please take the time to work on your interpersonal relationships, as the influence of Mars will test all bonds this week. The first high-profile casualties were Virat Kohli and Steve Smith, so it would be wise to not go down the same road.

Cancer: Uranus moves into the sign of Cancer, making the mango season a treacherous time for you. The heat from the mangoes, coupled with summer temperatures will react in your stomach. You will either turn into a dragon or melt into a puddle of aam ras.

With the IPL around the corner, it is a good time to focus on meditation – and also to wear a helmet.

Leo: If you’ve received an unfavourable result in an interview or test, take a cue from the country’s democratic machinery and claim the examination was tampered with as it was an EVM. You can slip away and avoid the consequences of failure in the ensuing chaos.

Virgo: This might be a time to hire a good lawyer, as the calf of the cow that went in your steak five years ago (before the ban), is all grown up now, and bringing a case of cowslaughter against you. If you wish to avoid a life sentence, go vegetarian with retrospective effect.

Libra: Your love life is set to take a hit with the passing of Venus through the heavens. If you’ve had any training in lathi skills, stone pelting, or verbal harassment, it would be a good time to stop pining for love and go join an anti-Romeo squad.

Scorpio: With the IPL around the corner, it is a good time to focus on meditation – and also to wear a helmet. The crowd of spectators is likely to mire you in ugly traffic jams, while your bad luck caused by Saturn means an errant ball might fall and crack your skull.

Sagittarius: If you’re planning on taking a road trip, be extra careful this week. With the change in global fortunes thanks to Brexit, you might suffer a Crexit while driving: Exiting the vehicle by crashing through the windscreen in a horrific accident.

Capricorn: Mercury’s presence in your zodiac sign’s constellation points to things heating up for you. The ongoing heat wave in the country will adversely affect you by causing rashes in your privates, and all your toast this week will be burnt.