Is that the iPhone Xs Max, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

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Is that the iPhone Xs Max, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Illustration: Sushant Ahire/Arré

The iPhone Xs Max has been announced at Apples annual launch event and our countrymen will be standing in queues once again in the month of November. Not outside ATMS and banks but the iStore.  This time, voluntarily, and to get their hands on the new iPhone Xs and iPhone Xs Max.

During the annual kitty party of nerds held like every year on September 12, the Apple CEO Tim Cook got on stage and told us that this is the best iPhone they have ever made. Until obviously, they launch the next iPhone in 2019. But yes, for one year, this will be the best iPhone they would have ever made. And then again, they would have made the best iPhone ever the following year. Apple basically treats the iPhone the same way your friend treats his drinking problem. “I swear this is the last time I’m drinking,” he claims before every drink.

But the fact of the matter is that truly big things were expected from the iPhone this year, especially after the launch of the iPhone X last year, whose notch design generated more conversation than elections in the Northeast of India. Just like every parent who treats their child’s birthday like a gigantic occasion, Apple once again made a big deal about their event.

To begin with, the iPhone Xs Max is expected to cost over one lakh in Indian rupees. It’s not a small amount, but then they’re giving you great value for money. While the first iPhone had a 3.5-inch screen, the iPhone Xs Max today boasts of a mega 6.5-inch screen. The next version of the iPhone will reportedly be called iPad Mini. Once the phone stops working, it can be used as a tray to serve chai and biscuits to guests. But what’s really driving Indian men in droves is the six-inch promise. They know it’s the only way they will ever have six inches in their pants. We’ve seen phones that come with a waterproof warranty, but the iPhone is the first phone in the world that comes with a “get laid” warranty.

Apple basically treats the iPhone the same way your friend treats his drinking problem. “I swear this is the last time I’m drinking,” he claims before every drink.

The Jio wave was felt all the way in the United States, as Apple announced its first dual SIM phone, bringing great joy to stock traders and college students all over India. The iPhone also features further advancements to facial recognition and fingerprint technology, and will soon be used in Aadhaar centres to issue cards. 3D sensing technology scans a user’s face in a millionth of a second, which is way faster than the time it takes for the Indian society to judge a woman’s character. Aunties may soon be seen flashing phones in the face of their women tenants. The camera has been upgraded: When you click pictures of your food, Siri will immediately tell you whether it is cow or buffalo meat.

The Indian version of Siri has been a highly awaited feature and one hopes it will makes its debut soon. God knows we desperately need an Indian Siri, who starts swearing in traffic, suggests coupon codes before we buy something online, warns us before a sex scene so you can move out of the room, and turns the phone to airplane mode automatically after three missed calls from mom.

As all these goodies and more have now arrived to make the world a better place, we will also gird our loins for rehashed kidney jokes, brace ourselves for product video parodies, and a “my penis is bigger than your penis” contest on tech forums between Apple and Android fanboys. Both sides will try to troll each other, both sides will claim their product is better while the world market gets flooded with the new iPhone. People will stand in queues for hours and some will gallop to the stores to be the first ones to get their hands on the best iPhone Apple has ever made.  

Until next year.

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