Arré Checklist: Four Animals Whose Dating Game Will Beat Yours This Valentine’s Day


Arré Checklist: Four Animals Whose Dating Game Will Beat Yours This Valentine’s Day

Illustration: Akshita Monga

Manish is one of those eternally single guys, who only got lucky with the ladies only once – when he was forced to sit with the girls as punishment by teachers in school. His friends always tag him in “One-sided lover” memes, he often gets invited to events where you got to shout “Pyar Dhoka Hai”, his mailbox is filled with prospective rishtas sent by aunties. Manish’s female counterpart is Aditi – the Uday Chopra of the dating world. She has been a serial third-wheeler for many years now.

“He/She’s not even my type” is Manish and Aditi’s favourite catchphrase, but love, to them, is like the red velvet cake they secretly crave and only hope someone would put on their plate. Love eludes them, like it has eluded several others who click on articles like this one, hoping to up their dating game.

If you are one of those always looking for love and never finding it, you are in for a life-changing revelation. You will soon find out that not only are you bad at dating, you are worse than some species of the animal kingdom whose smooth moves can put the Rahuls and the Rajs of the human world to shame.

Manakin Got Moves like Jagger

Manakin birds, usually found in America, are pros at attracting partners. During the mating season, the male Manakin hangs out with a wingman on a tree branch and performs the bird equivalent of a moonwalk. Not kidding, they got killer moves! This is also followed by specific bird sounds that steer the other male birds away from his girl. Can you recollect the last time you did anything as remotely sexy as this to woo that girl you liked, Manish? Time to delete that dating app, and sign up for some fun dance lessons.

Penguins and Their House of Love  

You probably see them as cuddly dudes with happy feet, who chill on snow-clad islands. They are the animal version of Canadians. But do you know when it comes to finding a mate, the male penguins have their shit sorted better than you. They collect some fine-looking pebbles for the girl they like and present it to them. This is like a proposal. If Mr Penguin manages to impress his lady love, she will accept the rocks and together the couple will build a house with them. Such romantics! What have you done so far, Manish? Spend some pennies and buy a goddam present, mate. Take her out to a movie, make her a sandwich. Do something!

Love, to them, is like the red velvet cake they secretly crave and only hope someone would put on their plate.

Bowerbird’s Sweet Home Alabama

Remember the time you saw The Notebook and cringed when Noah built an actual freaking house for Allie, saying,  “No one does that!” Well, guess what? Bowerbirds, found in the forests of New Guinea and Australia, do exactly that and more. The males construct a nest with grass, sticks, leaves, fruits, saliva, and anything that can make their abode attractive to the females in the region. They put a lot at stake, but the Bowerbird isn’t the one to love half-assedly. You know who does that? You! So chin up, Cinderella. We got a long way to go.

The Love Gods Named Bonobos

Bonobos are peace-loving chimpanzees found in Africa, who are believed to have more sex than all the humans of the Tinderverse put together. They have sex all the time – before having their meals, before going to bed, while greeting each other, and even to resolve conflict. And it’s not just about physical attraction, but a lot about love too. Bonobos hold hands, kiss on the cheeks, and do sweet little things like sharing food with their partners They are literally the love gods you should worship. Ditch those romcoms and watch Bonobo documentaries instead.

In the end, boys and girls, love is like that red velvet cake. If you want it, work for it. And let the animals lead the way.