After Cult Hit Demonetisation, Gear Up for Urban Naxals, The Movie

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After Cult Hit Demonetisation, Gear Up for Urban Naxals, The Movie

Illustration: Akshita Monga

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ollowing its cult hit Demonetisation: No Money No Problem, the government is planning a sequel to help voters better understand the menace of Urban Naxalism in this country. As per the PM’s most recent definition, at a rally in Chhattisgarh, Urban Naxals are anti-nationals who have moved on from college campuses to air-conditioned houses, and drive to Congress offices in fancy SUVs. However, as the party takes off its shoes to enter the election temple, the BJP is unsure whether its confusing message is really reaching the right people.

What is an Urban Naxal, after all? Am I an Urban Naxal? Is my friend an Urban Naxal? It’s all very unclear at the moment. So to help clarify the situation before the all-important 2019 elections, and also make a mark at the box office thus far dominated by librandus and Radhika Apte, the government is planning to produce a movie highlighting the horrors of this new trend gripping the youth. We uncover the plot.

Filmmaker Vivek Agnihotri, who is known for writing the book on Urban Naxals, and also his autobiographical film, Hate Story, was an obvious choice to direct. Armed with a massive Twitter poll, and an unending love for anything very dramatic, Agnihotri plans to shoot a cutout of Karl Marx getting spat on in slow motion for the first three sequences. The movie stars national Akshay Kumar, anti-national Swara Bhaskar, and international Katrina Kaif, who will set the charts on fire with an item number set to “Hail to the Motherland.”

We move to a college campus, where hero of the Urban Naxals, Swara Bhaskar is addressing the proletariat. “Kya chal raha hai comrade,” says a man wearing a Che Guevara shirt – we are told that the group of Urban Naxals is having a meeting to introduce new members into its fold. The music is playful as Swara Bhaskar introduces the initiates to their first few communist memes, and everyone laughs. But then things get intense as the children are shown a montage of Beyoncé, Barack Obama, Stalin, and Sitaram Yechury, in quick succession. Before we know it, the group is planning a field trip to Mother Russia to prepare to disrupt elections and capitalism.

In all of this we are introduced to Akshay Kumar, who is leching at women from a local train wearing an “I Heart GST” T-shirt. Kumar’s character has little love for communism, and this is established through a six-minute song, during which he rides on the upper deck of an open BST bus, does karate on Juhu beach, and throws demonetised notes at less fortunate passers-by. His catchphrase, lifted from a popular pimple cream ad, “Marx se no Marx, naturally,” is repeated on loop in the background. Immediately after the song, he hilariously and totally accidentally falls in Swara Bhaskar’s lap. In the next three minutes they’re in a long-term relationship.

"Meanwhile, the Urban Naxals have moved on to snorting lines of talcum powder, smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, the ultimate sign of debauchery in Agnihotri’s book of filmmaking."

Sources say Agnihotri has used a Korean propaganda film as inspiration for plot, dialogue and lighting, and hence expect to see entire sequences where the Naxals are chanting “We love Kim Jong-un” in a giant hall with flags, and images of Chairman Mao wrestling tigers. There’s also an edgy but awkward rap song sequence set in the halls of the Home Ministry, where a Rajnath Singh-type uses the N-word (Naxalite) 14 times to describe all political opponents.

Meanwhile, the Urban Naxals have moved on to snorting lines of talcum powder, smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, the ultimate sign of debauchery in Agnihotri’s book of filmmaking. Considering his filmography we shouldn’t be surprised that we are going to be treated to a number of unaesthetic sexual subplots, mostly involving the Urban Naxals reading Das Kapital aloud.

Once it has been fully established that these Urban Naxals are a more pressing issue than beef bans, women bans, and all that other boring stuff, we reach the climax of the film – the day of elections, 2019. By this point, anyone who attends a college, owns a book, or is even slightly critical of religion has been branded an Urban Naxal.

Akshay Kumar has just returned home from work, yelling at people to contribute to Swachh Bharat Abhiyan. Kumar, who it now turns out was an undercover police officer all along, shoots three Urban Naxals who had forgotten to wear their nationalism on their sleeves that day. Just then, Swara Bhaskar walks out of her expensive hotel room. There is a moment where the two lock eyes, and realise who the other is.

Now in any normal situation this would mean relationship over, but since this is a movie, Akshay delivers an impassioned speech about how Urban Naxals are ruining everything with their tweeting, and Arts education. Swara Bhaskar, breaks down, and agrees. She apologises for her JNU degree and vows that she will never attend a protest funded by the Congress again.

In a five-years-later sequence, we see the now happily married couple hunting Urban Naxals together in a police van. The recycled pimple ad plays us out over a sequence of college students burning their jholas and holding flags. During the credits there’s also likely to be a note from the government approving this message, along with a Facebook invitation from the filmmaker to attend his Shame Urban Naxals at India Gate event the day before elections.

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