An Obituary for 2020’s New Year Resolutions


An Obituary for 2020’s New Year Resolutions

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

In the first fortnight of January, your new year resolutions are like Deepak Tijori in the first half of Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander. Glistening in the sheen of motivation and emboldened by a triumphant mindset, the world is your oyster! But before you know it, an entitled pyjama chhap a.k.a your weak-ass willpower, gives that delusional “Nu year, who dis?” mindset a much-needed kick in the nuts.

So sit back, puff on a Juul, and join in as some of these Deepak Tijoris collectively mourn the death of their self-esteem. And their 2020 new year resolutions.

Ruchi, 27, HR manager
Resolution: Gluten-free diet
(Jan 1, 2020 – Jan 9, 2020)
“To be honest, the first few days felt great. I felt confident and more in control of my body. But things got tougher as we approached the second week of January. I’m not proud of admitting that a couple of days before I broke, I’d reached a stage where I was fantasising about batter-frying Machu, my friend’s pet goldfish. Luckily, Shilpa had caved on her keto diet just the day before. So I didn’t lose face even as I gorged down Joey’s Pizza like an anaconda in full public view. Also, my Goa plans for the Republic Day long weekend would’ve been pointless without butter garlic prawns and Old Monk. And of course, I’ll miss my healthy eating habits. But I know my low self-esteem will make me go back to it just before Valentine’s Day.”

Karan, 32, Pilot
Resolution: Quitting smoking
(Jan 1, 2020 – Jan 14, 2020)
“I look back at Christmas Eve, 2018 with immense regret. While at a friend’s party, I made the horrible mistake of drunkenly bragging, ‘Mera will power top-class hai, bro. I can quit anytime, no biggie!’ Before I knew it, my opportunist friends had tricked me into taking a ‘Smoke-Free Me in 2020’ pledge. It was a doomed arrangement from the beginning. I half-heartedly invested in a Juul and walked around looking like a typical Lokhandwala vape-douche for the first week of 2020. But a couple of days later, a ‘harmless puff’ of a friend’s Classic Mild at a birthday party reminded me of why I didn’t want to quit in the first place. And this past weekend, while on a Makar Sankranti bender, I indulged in an entire pack. Like I said, doomed from the start.”

“Don’t judge me. My cousin had just Snapchatted me her Wedding Invite. I’m only human”

Samara, 24, Fashion blogger
Resolution: Swearing off dating apps
(Jan 1, 2020 – Jan 15, 2020)
“I’d experienced way too many toxic relationships in 2018. So consciously deciding to delete all the dating apps from my phone was something I was really looking forward to. I knew I needed a break when my blogs were filled with titles like, ‘5 outfits to repel fuckbois’. The swipe withdrawals began kicking in sometime last week. The waiters at Doolally were left baffled as I’d simply swipe left in the air after each Belgian Wit variety they barked at me. I finally caved this morning and reinstalled Bumble. Don’t judge me. My cousin had just Snapchatted me her wedding invite. I’m only human.”

Sunehri Aunty, 48, Homemaker
Resolution: Use phone like a normal person
(Jan 1, 2020 – Jan 2, 2020)
“My son and daughter would keep muttering under their breath when I’d innocently enquire why I get so many ‘Storage Full’ and ‘Force Stop’ notifications. They challenged me to keep my storage under control in 2020. But to nobody’s surprise, my phone crashed within 24 hours due to the 5GB of Happy New Year fire-cracker animations I received on New Year’s Eve. It’s not my fault that my phone has only 32GB of storage, na? If my 43-member kitty party group sends 54 WhatsApp videos a day, do they expect me to NOT save every single one? My son will say he has taught me how to free space from my gallery but honestly, who learns in just eight sessions? I blame Android!”

Jairaj, 25, Creative writer
Resolution: Make use of over-priced gym membership
(Jan 1, 2020 – Jan 13, 2020)
“I’ve realised that doing a few leg extensions at my cubicle or push-ups in the conference room is pretty much all the exercise I need. And it’s not like my two-week tryst with the gym didn’t reap any rewards. If you look REALLY carefully, you’ll notice I have a fairly defined three-pack down there. That in mind, I’ve decided to take a break from the gym grind. Of course, the extra two hours of blanket-clinging sleep is the main reason. But I like to believe that I’m also doing it for the sake of those super-jacked dudes at my gym. I don’t want to hurt their brittle ego by reaching my full-potential, you know? Their physique is all they have. Imagine working out for years and then some random dude comes in and gets ripped to shreds in just a couple of weeks?! That’s literally a body blow to their self-confidence! The way I see it, I’m doing this for the good of society.”

We would like to thank these brave, not at all made up individuals for giving us their time and agreeing to bare their souls. We look forward to receiving more New Year Resolution post-mortem reports from our readers. Including those who had sworn off alcohol but were made to do Old Monk shots on January 6.