Humans of Sunday Brunch


Humans of Sunday Brunch

Illustration: Akshita Monga/Arré

Every Sunday, establishments across Mumbai open their doors to a particular kind of patron – an elite group of urban Indians whose need to validate their upper-middle-class status through Instagram filters of eggs Benedict and mimosa, is believed to be four times the national average. This breed of people can be classified as the snobby Sunday brunch-goers.

If you’re a curious first-timer and haven’t broken into this hoary tradition that begins every Sunday at the stroke of noon, slip into your white linens, pop those designer sunglasses, and get ready to meet the Humans of Sunday Brunch.

1) Samosas-over-Mimosas Uncles

These are bunch of poor, unsuspecting husbands in their 50s, whose wives usually coax them into doing cool, trendy things like brunch. The words “Unlimited IMFL” are their only saving grace. When trying not to notice plunging necklines and rising hemlines, these sweet uncles are dreading the bill and secretly wishing they were napping away their Sunday afternoons.

Things commonly overheard at this table during the Sunday brunch include: “Girls these days are so forward, no?” “What is a quichey? Kuch butter chicken type nahi hai kya?”

2) Sangria-sloshed SoBo Girls

The undisputed champs of drowning emotional baggage in bottomless sangrias, #TownieGirls, are the life of any Sunday brunch outing. These girls are so upscale, even their crocodile tears are Lacoste. The ratio of food consumed to food Instagrammed on their table, is generally 2:10 because eleven sangrias and 11.3k Instagram followers still aren’t enough to fill the void in their soul.

SoBo girls are to the brunch industry, what men with the micropenis syndrome are to Pajeros. Without SoBo chicks, the brunch industry would collapse, sales of feather boas and oversized sunglasses would plummet. The photobooth and selfie-points in bars would be overflowing with inebriated whisky uncles. And most importantly, there would be no shrieking whoos to dull down the noise of horrible EDM at clubs.

Things commonly overheard at this table: “God, I’m fat!” “Bhaiya, zara humaara photo lena? Full-body lena, huh. Like, mere heels dikhne chahiye.” “Is that Zara?” “God, I’m fat”. “Hehe… you’re such a slut! I love you!” “#GoodVibesOnly, bitch!” “God, I’m fat!”

3) Botoxed Brunchers

Sitting closest to the DJ console is an ageing mass of silicone and botox. Struggling to take an acceptable groupfie, they try hard to keep up with their trendier, Sangria-sipping counterparts. At least two of them will playfully flirt with the DJ. With each mimosa, their conversations sway from bitching about the recent hike in their kids’ school fees to the recent dip in their husband’s libido.

Things commonly overheard at this brunch table: “Manscaping, honey. It’s all about manscaping.” “Have you ever wished you could just give your kids away?” “Virgin mojito kisne mangaaya, yaar?”

4) DJ Chandu from Sewri

Spinning the latest in deep commercial house is the perpetually “just-back-from-Goa” DJ Chandu. He carries a suspiciously large CD case with each CD marked with abominations like “2Packs Kapoor”, “Salsa Tranz”, “SRK Tries to Mashupz” and “Altime Gr8 Tranz Hitz”. He has several tattoos with questionable symbolism and his Tinder picture shows him blowing vape rings into the open sky. His vast repertoire as a musician includes skills such as knowing which button to press to change tracks, having a basic understanding of tempo, controlling the volume knob, that classic DJ douche move, turning off the music just before the chorus so the audience can yell “Bhenchod Sutta.”

Commonly overheard saying: “Put yo hands in de ayuhhh!” “Wait, isn’t that drink on the house?” “No sir, I will not play Nashik dhol… Lol jk. Coming right up!”

5) Hungover Goggles

As the name suggests, these dudes and dudettes spend most of their time nursing a hangover of epic proportions. Sunglasses indoors isn’t the douchiest of their traits. They will also make it a point to regularly bring up how “LIT”, “BOMBED”, or “BAJJEY” they got last night. The few things they recall from last night include being carried out of the club and staring at the bright lights on the sea link while puking an entire bottle of Bacardi out of the sunroof of their dad’s sedan. These hot messes are only tolerated because self-destructive behaviour aside, they are people that want to be hugged.

Things commonly overheard at the table: “Anyone got a Tylenol? ” “Chhotu, ek pack Marlboro Lights leke aayega?” “Bhenchod, kutte jaise piya.”

"What’s better than spending your Sunday auditioning to play the fourth lead in a Balaji serial? A Sunday brunch!"

6) The Third Tinder Date

They haven’t had sex yet, but there’s been enough second- and third-base action for them to take this big step together: A Sunday brunch. Depending on their dynamic and individual personalities, this date could end in either them fucking in the car or they both realising just how much of an asshole their date really is. You could either see some very inappropriate above-the-shirt action on this table or witness one of them throw an entire flute of champagne in the other’s face, depending on how belligerent their drunken selves are.

Things commonly overheard: “My ex and I always wanted to come here. Okay, I shouldn’t have said that.” “Some more wine?” “Haha… you look shy!” “More wine?” “Want to hit the dancefloor? *Drunkenly gyrates shoulders* “WINE?”

7) Lokhandwala Brunch Virgins

What’s better than spending your Sunday auditioning to play the fourth lead in a Balaji serial? A Sunday brunch! At least that’s how Lokhandwala Dudes (LoDus) bait their other LoDu friends to brunch with them! Commonly found discussing Bhai ki pichlee movie or competing for tightest fluorescent t-shirt, these beefcakes are also most likely to be seated conveniently close to the SoBo girls’ table.

Commonly overheard saying: “Bro, check out my new portfolio pix.” “Aaj cheat day hai, bro. Gym se bhi aur GF se bhi. *Failed attempt at winking* “Being Human pe 40 per cent off chal raha hai, bro.”

8) Bandra hipsters

There are more dudes wearing fedoras and chicks with tattoos per square foot on this table than in an Ozzy Osbourne music video. At least two of them play musical instruments and/or have been in a band. All of them have slept with each other. The curly-haired dude with an eyebrow piercing nonchalantly brushes off the waiter when asked not to roll a joint on their patio. Girl with black nail polish is surprisingly big on spirituality.

Commonly overheard at this table: “Uh! This music is so mainstream.”
“Trying to convince my bf to get a foreskin piercing, some use for all those fridge magnets!” “I met Gavin at Carter’s, men. Full-on stash he gave me!”

A Sunday brunch is not everyone’s cup of (green) tea. You have to be #CoolAF to be able to shell out 40 per cent more for a basket of assorted bread and waffles that you can order, but can’t eat. Calories, bro.