BREAKING! VHP Bros Prevent Mental Christianity!


BREAKING! VHP Bros Prevent Mental Christianity!

Last Thursday, foremost investigative journalists, Weedward & Bongstein attended a music festival in Bhopal (it is difficult to reveal where your investigations will lead you.) As they stood around awkwardly listening to music, the party was invaded by four VHP members who shouted slogans and glared at the women present at the show. The slogans included: “Abki Baar Sitar Sarkar”, “Make India Bharat Again”, and “Hip, Hip, Mandir Banayenge”.

The four men, dressed in saffron khadi jackets were clearly agitated by the “rampant use of guitars” on stage. “Woh dekh, guitar wala Christian,” one yelled, falling over a surprised dancing girl. “Pakad usko,” he continued, as the crowd began to go wild.

The four men then proceeded to clamber on to the stage. One took the mic and yelled, “Playing guitar shows signs of conversion to Christianity. It promotes Western mentality. We are against corrupt Western culture in all forms.” The crowd, assuming this was some kind of new-age heavy metal act, started moshing. “We will not let these people marry while our sitars gently weep!” he continued.

The behaviour of the crowd left the four protestors very frustrated. They then began smashing guitars on stage to make their point. The act of anger was lost on the audience that went wilder by the minute. One Delhi girl screamed, “Kitni chaud mein aayein hain na (loosely translated from the Hindi as, ‘how saxxyyy!!!’),” before passing out in delirium.

The two organisers, Ramesh and Suresh, decided to take advantage of this sudden upswing in #RaveLevels and dropped gomutra in place of confetti and began handing out bindis to girls.

The incident took place just days after the VHP attempted to stop the wedding of a couple in Bhopal because the groom played a guitar in church once. As W&B mused about whether the two incidents were connected, the bride and the groom in question gate-crashed the music show venue and blasted “It’s my life” on the speakers before scampering away. When the VHP men jumped off stage to chase after the groom, the crowd hoisted them on their shoulders and cheered louder.

The VHP considered their intervention at both the events a grand success.

After the concert, in an exclusive with W&B, the groom said, “I can only play a G Chord.” He told us that he “learnt how to play on the street outside my college.” When we told him that the VHP men had accused him of being a “Love Crusader”, he said, “My name is Vishal, for fuck’s sake.”

The bride, meanwhile, had her own story to tell. “A weird man would stare at me through the window every morning when I’d be getting ready to step out,” Ritu said. “One day, after an exhausting puja, I forgot to put my bindi on. He immediately jumped in through my window and called me Christian. I had no idea it was going to escalate so fast.”

The VHP, meanwhile, considered their intervention at both the events, a grand success. “A lot of people have been mentally converting to Christianity so we protested against them by smashing guitars as a reminder of our success in Bhopal,” warned a VHP leader who did not wish to be named. “Do not play the guitar and try to marry our sisters or we will Hindu you up!”

Weedward & Bongstein decided against telling the VHP bros that smashing guitars is a Western concept and proceeded to hit other concerts.