By Weedward and Bongstein May. 16, 2016
Weedward & Bongstein score an exclusive all-access pass to the most prestigious film festival in the world.
Actors, models, creative geniuses, and Kendall Jenner walked on a rug in the French Riviera town of Cannes, Sunday, wearing ironic costumes in honour of a voyeuristic paparazzi ritual.
Indian actress Sonam Kapoor brought out her inner doner kebab, choosing to wrap herself in pita bread. When W&B asked her what inspired the look, she said, “The mood towards women in India is changing, I’m here to let everyone know, Indian women can be anything they want to be. I wanted to be a shawarma when I was younger, today I get to live my dream.”
Kapoor was not the only Indian representative at the theme party, which also featured “bright lights”, “open bar”, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, and Nawazuddin Siddiqui.
Baahubali: The Beginning was screened at the festival as part of the Marché du Film segment. The film had the audience enthralled, but was at the centre of controversy when “lovér du children”, Woody Allen, asked, “Why Katappa killed Baahubali?” Later, Allen, with his trademark furrowed brow, attempted to answer his own question over a cigarette that burned for a whole two hours.
Amid all the botox and tuxedos, the film A Boy Eating an Orange, was screened to a packed audience. The film, made by the French-Tibetan director Le (who goes by one name only), consisted of two hours of black-and-white footage of a 12-year-old boy eating an orange, while the narrator said the word “orange” in 18 different languages. W&B later spoke to members of the audience who had a slightly glazed look in their eyes. They described the film as “gritty”, “real”, “moving”, and other back-of-the-DVD adjectives.
W&B also bumped into Victoria Beckham after the movie. Dressed in what could best be described as Jaden Smith’s tuxedo, she seemed skinnier than usual. When asked whether she enjoyed the film, Posh replied, “I positively loved it, innit. Would you happen to have an orange by any chance? I haven’t eaten in two whole days.”
Among those who stood out at the festival were Mallika Sherawat, who seems to show up at Cannes every year despite being banned since Hisss and Khwahish were awarded the Facepalm D’Or many years ago. Aishwarya Rai Bachchan also made headlines; not for her film, but for her kala khatta lip gloss. But W&B are in possession of CCTV footage that purports to show Papa Smurf and Barney The Purple Dinosaur leaving Aishwarya’s hotel room earlier that day.
Weedward & Bongstein are the top investigative journalists of our time and were in Cannes, France, to chase a story about the counterfeit Evian water mafia, not to attend the festival. However, after their contact left them high and dry, they chose to attend the film festival instead and walked away from the affair with a deeper misunderstanding of fashion.
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.