Bonding over Pan Bahar


Bonding over Pan Bahar

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza/ Arré

Weedward & Bongstein were shaken and stirred this morning when they spotted Pierce Brosnan on the front page of the day’s paper endorsing Bahar, Pan Bahar.

As any men of reputed journalistic mystery, they wasted no time taking off Weedward’s shoe, which is really a cellphone in disguise, and calling the man himself. They had quite a few piercing questions to ask.

Excerpts from the interview:

W&B: Hello.

PB: Hello, who is this?

W&B: It’s us Weedward and Bongstein.

PB: Oh hey guys. Have you seen my cool new ad?

W&B: Yes… what the actual fuck Pierce? Why’d you do it?

PB: Oh, well it was an opportunity you know. They won’t let me play Bond anymore, ever since that wanker Daniel came into the scene. I needed the cash.

W&B: But you have the world at your feet. You’re suave, dashing, famous. You have the licence to kill…

PB: Yes, but this has given me more success. Not sure what a gutkha is, but I think I’m going to endorse it next.

W&B: Really?

PB: I can’t divulge specifics. But a brand wants to buy the rights to The World Is Not Enough and turn it into a tagline.

W&B: Of course they do. So what’s next in line for you?

PB: Well I’ve been approached to endorse Reliance Jio. Rich lads aren’t they? A bit weird though. They want me to do an ad where I fight a female Italian villainess and her Sikh henchman while saving a woman in distress. I declined.

W&B: Why?

PB: Because it seemed a bit dodgy. And I wasn’t feeling the tagline.

W&B: Which was?

PB: “Jio ka Network aur Bond ke Wet Work ka Jawaab Nahi.” I don’t speak much Indian, but it doesn’t seem to make much sense.

W&B: Right. Btw, a lot of people are hating on you for endorsing a product linked to mouth cancer. According to reports, mouth cancer kills people.

PB: Well, they can die another day.

W&B: That’s awfully cavalier, don’t you think?

PB: Sorry. That was Bond talking. It happens sometimes. Once you go Bond, you’re never the same again. I’m so tired of drinking dry martinis and sleeping with hot women. It takes a toll, you know?

W&B: Yes, we totally understand. Anyway, all this fuckery aside, are you never doing a movie again?

PB: Never say never again. I might make a few movies. I’ve been approached by a few large players in Bollywood to play the token British guy in a couple of period dramas.

W&B: Will you consider it?

PB: I might. If the role involves delivering more than one dialogue. You know, stuff like, “Yeh angrez ka club hai, yahan kuttalog allowed nahi hai” and everyone’s favourite, “Teen guna lagaan dena parega.”

W&B: After this endorsement, one would think nothing is beneath you.

PB: Oh. There’s a lot beneath me right now.

W&B: Like?

PB: The world. The world is at my feet. Or as you Indians would say, “Kadmon mein duniya.” *Spits*

W&B: Oh no, you didn’t.