On 90th Birthday, “Elizabeth Reveals Victoria’s Secret”


On 90th Birthday, “Elizabeth Reveals Victoria’s Secret”

Illustration: Namaah/ Arré

The United Kingdom’s longest reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth, celebrated her 90th birthday on Thursday with great fanfare and spectacle. She kicked off the day with a visit to Madame Tussauds, to make sure her wax counterpart hadn’t aged as much as she had. She told Arré’s Weedward and Bongstein over a spliff that she intended to use the wax statue as a stand-in for herself after her death, because just like the wax statue, she is always seen and never heard.

The move follows a nationwide poll conducted by the Bureau of National Governance (B.O.N.G) that said 90 percent of the British populace would rather have Queen Elizabeth continue on as the monarch, rather than “that twat” Prince Charles or either of his two sons, William and Harry, whom the public lovingly refer to as “them two little shites”.

Later in the day, a celebratory ball was held at Buckingham Palace. The grounds were redecorated to reflect the poorest sections of all the UK’s erstwhile colonies, given the country’s penchant for slum tourism. Approximately 20 percent of Mumbai’s slum, Dharavi, was imported, tin sheet for tin sheet, person for person and turd for turd, in order to recreate the experience for Her Majesty.

A potentially major disaster was averted when Her Majesty almost slipped on a banana peel imported especially for the occasion, but was steadied by her royal guards. A leading Indian newspaper was quick to circulate images of the monarch falling backward, her underskirt slightly visible, with the headline, “Elizabeth reveals Victoria’s secret”.

Attending the ball were Bollywood stars and token white people, Tom Alter, Kangana Ranaut, and Katrina Kaif, who were all chosen for their British-Hindi accent.

Her Majesty also received a card from the PM saying, “Happy Birthday Rani Saheba, Have Fun. PS: Keep Kohinoor, Give Us Mallya.”