By Weedward and Bongstein Jan. 16, 2017
A secret Congress meeting was held between Rahul Gandhi and Navjot Singh Sidhu in Punjab this weekend. Weedward and Bongstein were flies on the wall.
Weedward and Bongstein were in Punjab this weekend to sample some of the famous lassi and paratha combinations. While they were in the washroom regretting their decisions, they happened to eavesdrop on a conversation between Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi and another man who used the phrase “Oye guru” more often than necessary.
Rahul: Uncleji, kya haal hai? How are you today?
Other Person: Oye guru, dinner ke saath peete hai wine, is washroom ke bahar lagi hai line. If you must know my friend, I’m doing just fine. Thoko taali.
Rahul: But why?
Other Person: Because my friend, applause is more than bringing your hands together. Applause is like the antacid that makes bad jokes digestible.
Rahul: Ok. My mummy said we’re giving you a ticket to somewhere. But before we do that, she wanted me to talk to you about what you’d bring to the table. I guess we’re having a dinner party or something.
Other Person: Beta, this is not a ticket to anywhere, and there’s no dinner party, but when Sherry is on the job, you can be sure the laughs will be hearty.
Rahul: You do know this is the Congress party and it’s no laughing matter.
Other Person: I’ve been on enough comedy shows to know one when I see one. The bitter pill is the hardest to swallow, chahe tum kitna bhi kha lo.
Rahul: Please uncleji, I’m having a hard time understanding. Please explain like I’m five.
Other Person: Beta, when you’re young, you have a wild imagination, plus I heard you just got back from vacation. You’re not really five anymore, your speeches stopped being funny, they’re now a bore. But when Sidhu Paaji’s on the job, you won’t be the laughing stock of the party anymore.
Rahul: Accha, so you intend to take over my job? Tell me, how exactly do you plan to do all of that? I have done very many lot of things as the face of the Congress.
Other Person: Crows are like the parrots of your mind. Pray tell me my son, what exactly have you done?
Rahul: Well, as the face of the party I’ve stuffed my face while hanging out with the OBCs. I’ve made a bunch of speeches in Parliament and then there’s all those pyaar things I did.
Other Person: A few speeches does not a man make. A chicken flapping its wings in Tokyo can create an avalanche in New Mexico. A car rolling down the streets of Punjab is like a tank in Normandy. It takes some effort to drive, but once you get the hang of it, you can kill a few people.
Rahul: Uncleji, kya aap thoda cocaine share karoge?
Other Person: Nahi. But what I can share is knowledge. Ab yeh suno: Knowledge is like the little baby that Dingo always wanted to eat before it realised it was vegetarian.
Rahul: Okay. This is important. How can I get knowledge, uncle paaji?
Other Person: Listen to me, son. Life is like a frat party in the US. You never know when you get pregnant.
Rahul: My mummy also says that!
Other Person: No. It’s my line. You see, a sixer is like two threes that came together in harmony after the condom broke.
Rahul: Uncle, my head is hurting. I cannot understand you anymore.
Other Person: Very few people do. For as you see, a car is like two bicycles…
At this point W&B exit their cubicles and identify other guy as none other than Navjot Singh Sidhu. On seeing the leading investigative duo, Rahul Gandhi says, “Nahi. Not these guys again.” Paaji, unfortunately continues…
Sidhu: Life is like a box of chocolates made in China, it may taste sweet, but the pollution will kill you anyway. An air steward is like a pigeon without wings…
By the time W&B are done washing their hands, the new Congressman had begun executing his own laughter track. Rahul, at this point, decided that there was no way Sidhu would deliver better speeches than him and inducted him into the Congress to serve as his body double.
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.