By Weedward and Bongstein May. 04, 2018
Dropped by the Arré office, again, look who.
eing May the 4th, Arré’s high-functioning investigative journalists par excellence Weedward and Bongstein sat down to high tea with Jedi Master Yoda, who they’d last interviewed in 2016 when he stopped by the office. This time, however, he agreed to discuss Avengers: Infinity War and more, over a pot of tea and brownies.
WB: Welcome Master Yoda, it’s a pleasure to have you back with us today.
Yoda: All mine, the pleasure is. For having me here, I thank you.
WB: We loved your cameo in The Last Jedi, how did it feel to return to the big screen after ages?
Yoda: A puppet did they use. Like, said Shaggy, “Me it was not”. About my life, a Netflix documentary, shooting I was.
WB: A puppet? Really? We couldn’t tell.
Yoda: Could, I.
WB: Are you asking us or telling us?
Yoda: Am, I.
WB: Oh, we get it. Haven’t you considered learning to speak English like the rest of us humans?
Yoda: Did, I. Such a funny language, English is.
WB: Do you know who said that?
Yoda: Very well do I know Amitabh. In talks was he, to redub my dialogues in Hindi.
WB: How come this didn’t make news? This is huge!
Yoda: Not work, it did. Too big was he, for the character. Cross the line he did, when ask for more money midway, did he.
WB: Yeah we guess certain rekhas aren’t meant to be crossed. Ja-ya know what we mean?
Yoda: Shwar ya, aish do (chuckles). Move on let us, bad puns are these.
WB: So what’s the Netflix documentary called?
Yoda: Called “I, Jed: Of Yoda, The Story” it is. Get a documentary if Osho can, why can’t I? Shooting in the US and Bangkok, were we.
WB: We get the US, but why Bangkok?
Yoda: Because party a lot in Bangkok, I did. After filming Revenge of the Sith in 2005.
WB: And what was that like?
Yoda: Fun it was, fall in love I did. Also found a suitable mate, did I.
WB: Wow! Tell us about it.
Yoda: Amazing it was. Meet at a bar, we did and off, it hit. To my cave later, we went back.
WB: You sound like quite the player!
Yoda: In me, strong the force may be, but stronger the game is. The key consent is; not cool, is force.
WB: Tell us about it.
Yoda: Just, did I. Question, next please.
WB: Oh. Okay moving on. Donald Trump continues to crack down on illegal aliens in the US. What do you think about the term “alien”?
Yoda: Worst words, Trump has. Hands too, small are. Not with him, force is. Melania hot, finds me. Anyway, alien I am not, living in the USA since the ’80s, I have been…
WB: Are there any particular policies you are against?
Yodi: His pro-gun stance, I hate. Only lightsabers, I advocate. All adopt the Jedi philosophy, we must.
WB: Being a master of Jedi philosophy, what do you think about existing philosophers? Like Indian gurus, the new-age ones.
Yoda: The philosophy of Ramdev Baba, studied I have. Smokes, he does too. Cow dung, I am sure. That’s why billions, he makes.
WB: Talking about billions, Avengers: Infinity War has made more money than Star Wars: The Force Awakens. What are your thoughts about that?
Yoda: Great, the movie was. More money it has made because more superheroes it has, also because in the movie (The Force Awakens) I wasn’t. Without me cannot, Star Wars exist.
WB: So who’s your favourite Infinity War character?
Yoda: Black Panther. A brave hero, he is, fight bravely he does. But for Mark Ruffalo’s part, audition I did, did you know.
WB: You’re more full of surprises than the end of Infinity War! How’d that work out for you?
Yoda: Green and powerful, I was. The minimum height requirements, I did not meet. A killer Hulk impression I can do.
WB: Okay, show us.
Yoda: Make me angry, do not. Not like me you will, when angry I am. (Pulls out Lightsaber)
WB: Woah, put the saber down. You’re not supposed to pull that thing out.
Yoda: What she said, that is. Not like my impression, did you? By way, the, tasty these brownies are. Give me some later, you must.
WB: Sure. But keep it on the down low, they’re pretty much illegal.
Yoda: Legalise it, they must, not a drug this is. Come from the ground it does. The reason for my immortality and longevity it is.
WB: So all those mind tricks, epic battle scenes, and that profound philosophy is just you, high as a kite?
Yoda: It is, of course. Like the dogg named Snoop said, “Everyday smoke weed you must. Stronger the force gets with each puff.”
WB: By that logic, we’re all Jedis then aren’t we.
Yoda: You, are?
WB: Wait a minute, we see what you did there. Let’s move on to…
Yoda: Wrap this up, can we? Feeling the force of the brownies I am.
WB: Alright master Yoda, but before you go, do you have any message for Star Wars fans on May the 4th?
Yoda: Yes. May the fourth, a Friday is.
WB: Are you high? What happened to, “May the force be with you”?
Yoda: Okay. May the forks, be with spoons.
Yoda: Fine, may the fox, beat the mule. Go on all day long, I can. Old, that saying has become. Suckers, peace out, a better saying is. My brownie, now where is?
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.