By Weedward and Bongstein Aug. 13, 2016
What will be the thrust of PM Modi's address from the Red Fort? The Nation doesn't want to know but W&B tell us anyway.
Weedward and Bongstein received an honour usually reserved for serious writers with a penchant for zealous nationalist perspectives – to write the PMs Independence Day Speech. W&B are incredibly humbled at a) being considered serious writers and b) being thought of as having perspective. This is what we sent in:
I just want to start by saying, holy cow mitron! It’s been over two years and I’m still at the top of my game. Unlike the previous government, which was an udder failure, I’ve been able to milk the fact that I serve this country at the highest level by flying to most of the countries in the world.
During some of the more turbulent days this country has witnessed recently, I rose to the occasion and addressed the issue of minority rights. My proposition was simple; every time you think of shooting someone from a lower caste or a minority, shoot me instead. Ideally in one of my signature poses – animatedly talking to someone important, or at an exotic location.
Speaking of exotic locations, my critics accuse me of travelling too much. I say look at my work at home. Two years ago, I promised to build toilets in every house and today, we can proudly say, “Mera desh badal raha hai, ghar me potty kar rahai hai”.
We are a diverse nation of many faiths, castes and classes. We now have to learn to live with many genders and orientations. Which is why, we have called for the formation of an A-Z ministry that will include the current LGBTQ community with room to accommodate 21 other letters relating to any other orientations that may arise. Provided these orientations are not unnatural, unlawful, anti-national and involve only hugging.
There are many who will chalk this up to minority appeasement. I ask you this, “What minorities?” This is a free nation built on liberty, equality and fraternity. The only minority here are cattle, which shall be provided rights on par with women, albeit with better protection.
This is our 69th Independence Day, but let me be very clear; like my dear friend shri major general-sahib Bakshi ji will attest, we’ve only been free for the last two years. Sure, you might call him crazy for speaking the truth, but such people are the backbone of this great nation of which you have elected me Pradhan Sewak.
Pradhan Sewak of Bharat. Yes, Bharat, because that’s what we plan to call it, and anyone who thinks otherwise can avail of our Bharitya Jan Chhodan Yojna, under which we will provide travel subsidies to all anti-nationals.
I want to keep this brief, so you can go back to enjoying the beautiful Independence Day festivities and monkey baths we’ve organised, so I’m going to end this address by saying you can expect more from your government, you can expect us to live up to all your expectations. We won’t let at least some of you down.
The future is bright, the future is orange.
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.