Kanhaiya’s Not Lovin’ It

Days after an attempt on his life allegedly by the government, in collusion with one Manas Deka and Jet Airways, Kanhaiya Kumar has said that he was attacked again.

Jawaharlal Nehru University’s red-eyed, Left-leaning poster boy, and professional student, has alleged that another attempt was made on his life while he was having a meal at a McDonald’s outlet. According to Kanhaiya, the food chain attempted to assassinate him by means of a sodium chloride overdose in his fries. “A McDonald’s employee, a man dressed in yellow, with red hair, a pale face, and red lips also tried to strangulate me in the washroom,” he wrote on Twitter.

The police have registered a case of salty assault against the eatery and a case of assault with intent to cause grievous bodily harm against unknown fictitious characters.

Talking exclusively to Weedward and Bongstein, Kanhaiya said, “Every man, woman, and child in this country is trying to kill me ever since I demanded azadi. I am a very important person and need protection. How do I know that the two of you won’t try and strangulate me right now?”

A spokesperson for McDonald’s confirmed that a man carrying a jhola and yelling “azadi” into a gold iPhone did get into a fight with Ronald McDonald, but they will not be pressing charges because they depend on “crazies” for business anyway.

Kanhaiya also spoke at length about his PhD in African Studies. He says he chose this field of study because Africans have always been persecuted just like him and it is necessary for someone to champion the cause of the persecuted even if it means facing death. He also plans to travel to South Africa as part of an ongoing lecture series called, “Beat It, The Reflections of a Communist Communitarian with a Persecution Complex”.

When asked whether he would continue to fly with Jet, Kanhaiya said, “Sure, I will fly Jet, but only business class. Economy is full of Sanghis who may try to strangulate me.”

Talking about the fine imposed on him by JNU, the student leader, added, “This is another conspiracy against me. The fine of ₹10,000 is actually a pending library fee for copies of Das Kapital and Animal Farm, which I had borrowed way back in 2011.” He added that he did not return the books as a form of protest and once again without warning yelled “azadi”.

When asked what exactly was he demanding freedom from, Kanhaiya looked confused for a second before replying, “From the rigid, conformist views of JNU’s librarians. ”

When contacted for comment, JNU librarians said “Silence, please.”

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